Strong like the Earth. Swift as the Wind. Smooth as Water. Fierce as Fire.

Human Equations Part 5.1 : Why we Fight

2010-02-24T02:01:00.002+08:00

If history has taught us anything, it is that mankind has been shaped by warfare since the very beggining.

When civilisation first begun to take shape, warfare was present in the form of Survival. Back then, the world followed one rule and one rule only, Kill or be Killed, Eat or be Eaten.
Necessity is the mother of creation, thus we developed crude tools that would help us obtain our daily meals and help us avoid turning into meals. We discovered the use of Fire and how to preserve foods. How to protect ourselves against the elements. All in the name of the Fight for Survival.

Once we had mastered and attained victory in this war for Survival, we started to expand. Current studies point to the continent of Africa as the origin of human civilisation. Mankind spread out accross the world, coming to new places, conquering their new land, and settling down.

However, with so many humans moving in and out of areas, disputes were soon to take place. This is where true Warfare really begun...

The tools that were once vital to human survival were now called upon to end lives. Farming and hunting equipment slowly but surely, evolved into leathal weapons. And the development of killing machines has never stopped.

Wars have been going on ever since, the resons sometimes reasonable...but most of the time, doubtful. Women, land, greed, pride...all these things can be taken into account on why warfare spread like wildfire accross the globe.

The wrold we live in today is one that could not have existed were it not for the wars that our forefathers had fought. Technology and warfare go hand in hand as most of the modern comforts we enjoyed today, were somehow or another influenced my ware-time technology or better yet, merely watered-down versions of military hardware.

But ultimately, it still boils down to one thing...Survival. The main reason why we fight is to survive. No matter what form it takes, we go to war when we feel threathened by another entity. We wnat to ensure our own continued survival, even if it is at the expense of your enemies.

The tactics of war can often be brutal...but then again...hindsight is 20/20. In the heat of battle...the only thing that will go through your mind is to do whatever it takes to help you survive.

Survival is hardwired into our instincts. And truth be told, we are very good at this job.

Hymn to the Fallen

2010-02-15T00:21:00.002+08:00

Hymn to the Fallen,
In honour of thee
We sing!

To those who have come and pass
And those who will never be,
Your contributions,
Are forever...

Your memory
Shall never fade.

So for you,
In honour we Sing...

Sing this sad Hymn to the fallen,
So that my mind will be at peace....

Human Equations Part 4 : Family

2010-02-08T01:41:00.003+08:00

A group of people living together and functioning as a single household, usually consisting of parents and their children
"Microsoft® Encarta® Reference Library 2005. © 1993-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved."

This is the definition of Family, according to the Encarta Dictionary. As many of you know, I have been having problems at home for some time now as my parents aren't seeing eye to eye anymore. This has led to ponder for the past 2+ years and has finally concluded with this post.

In most conventional terms, family is basically described as the above stated. Typical singaporean/asian context normally follows the textbook rule of Family is most important. However, in our modern society today, the meaning of the word Family is slowly blurring away.

This is escpecially prevalent in the singaporean context. In our fast modern world...most families are supported by a dual income. Both parents are off working ridiculous hours and when this occurs, the availability to bond as a family group is diminished. Children are always bombarded my messages such as "Family stick together", but at the same time, it doesn't seem to be happening with their own parents. Over an extended period of time, the children get dillusioned...some of them disregarding the idea of human relations altogether. Although these reclusive individuals are rare, this is becoming an increasingly problematic issue.

For majority of the children in the aforementioned scenario, they grow up to see family as a more figurative statement. This is the main focus of today's post.

"Family first, Friends second" "Blood is thicker than water". These are statements fed to me since day one...but I have come to realize the inaccuracy of these statements. As far as I'm concerned, Family is no longer about blood relations. It is about the bond you have with that particular person that makes him/her family.

To me, Family is not about who your birth brother is or who fathered you. Instead, family are the people whom you have spent years together and gone through a multitude of trials and tribulations with.

They are the ones whom you bond with over an extended period, the ones whom you've fought with, sweat with, bled with. They are the ones whom have been by your side through your daily journeys and are always there to smack you on the head everytime your thread off the beaten path.

Where do we find these people? Most commonly, we see them in our friends and sometimes our teachers and mentors.

I take my closest pal Abel for example. He and I have known each other for almost 9 years now. Throughout our friendship, we won't be the first to tell you how odd our relationship has been. Right from the beginning, we started off with beating the crap out of each other with sticks. Mind you almost a decade later the crze with self inflicted violence hasn't exactly stopped and the damage shows. Years of bashing each other with metal sticks and wooden swords have been greatly detrimental to the health of our extremities...in particular, our fingers.

But even after all that, Abel and I have bonded beyond our wildest ideas. Today, I am proud to say that he is my brother because in the years that I've known him...no other person outside my birth-family has seen as many sides of me as he has. He has been with me through thick and thin and honestly...the term Blood Brother kinda fits. As a matter of fact, I consider the entire group I hang with Brothers.

In the end...Family is not who you are genetically related to.
Family are the people whom you chose to believe and trust. They are the ones who will rescue your sorry ass when things get rough. And Family are the people whom you will always be there for in return.

A birth-family is important. But at some point, all of us have to start our own Family first.

Human Equations Part 3 : Romance Movies and real life Reflections

2010-01-23T03:05:00.003+08:00

Some time ago, I distinctly remember lamenting and raving about the fallacies of romance movies.

After some reflection, I've come to realise why we humans seem to love these preposterious movies so.

Hope. The superior WHAT IF scenario is what really drives our attraction to these movies. These shows bring us into an alternate universe where all our wildest relationships could possibly come true.

They reflect the kind of life and world which is inherently hardwired into each of us individuals, the longing for a partner whom we will share happily-ever-after-with and gain all that we could possibly dream of.

Perhaps, despite the disillusioned state of the films we have nowadays, the pressence of such a film allows for us to look back and properly ask our selves....how are we actually aiming to live our lives?

IF not to find love at the end of the day, then what are we here for? We were given a complex brain, which in turn gave us incredible skills, complex emotional systems and the one thing that seperates us humans from all others...Sentience.

Above all things, we are the most complex/messed up beings on this planet. And yet, we have the audacity to come up with Romance movies while at the same time killing off our fellow humans.

I suppose Romantic movies are the ultimate reality most humans want to be in. the most prized goal at the end.

WE are all human in the end...programmed to pick the most suitable partner...produce the next generation, ensure their survial...then die. Romance movies are the epitome of this.

That is perhaps why we are all so drawn to them. Cuz they reflect what we really want.

food for thought?

2010-01-20T11:01:00.002+08:00

2012 was probably the end of the Mayan calendar cuz they probably got too lazy to count any further.

look at it this way...the calendar is called the Long COunt. I seriously doubt they expected to count so far and continue to survive. So I doubt they saw any sense in counting any further.

They did exist a bloody bloody long time ago.....so...2012 is probably a serious stretch for them..

Lol....just a funny thing.

Quoteworthy...

2010-01-17T23:34:00.002+08:00

I am lazy to write a full blogpost. Instead, here are a list of quoteworthy things I've said/heared over the past 2 weeks or so...

1) "Last night's sleep was awesome! It was only 3 hours...but it started with having a girl in my bed, and ended with the same girl in my bed!!!" - me referring to Night b4 SAS CCA day.

2) "The word of the day is Legs. Lets head back to my place to spread the word..." - JJ

3) "For goodness sake! You're not rushing to give him a fuckin blowjob!!!!" - me giving stage directions to actor.

4) "If there was a ghost in the house...my brother would be the worst to consult on its existence...The ghost could whack him and he wouldn't wake up." - Brandon refering the the ghost in the house.

5) "How could a TKD coach possibly be such a pussy!!!!" - my fustration over the pettiness of the RP TKD instructor.

6) "Everone wants immortality...Thats why we blog ain't it?" - bro Abel

7) "It's BLAAAACK!" - Rahman on the dildo/bottle opener he got for WJ.

8) "Hey...where the hell is Blow-Job-Guy?" - me referring to missing actor.

9) "Have you noticed something...the boys aren't paying attention to what Miss W is saying. Their eyes are somewhere else..." -observation by bro Abel during drama prac

10) "She's hot...at this rate...fuck the mascots...all we need is to showcase her!" - referring to the new Drama teacher.

Human Equations Part 2: Development of Human Relations

2010-01-01T13:04:00.003+08:00

I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase, "Only time will tell." Over the years, observations have been made to actually prove this little saying, and this can be thoroughly obseved in the development of a person and his/her relationships with other people.

Throughout our lives we will interact with a large variety of people. Forming a variation of relationships with all of them, ranging from good friendly relationships, stiff professional relations, loving romantic relations or perhaps even bad, sour relationships. All these things are the result of your interaction with other peeple and how they connect with you.

However, things in this world are ever changing and relationships seldom ever stay the same. Over the years, I've seen my usual clique of whacky guys grow up and become who they are today.

Take the biggest of em all, JJ. Big guy from they day I first met him, all the way back when we were in primary 1!!! Always outgoing and very very noisy. Didn't really know much about him back then...bt then again...JJ never really needed much introduction. EVERYBODY in SAS knows who JJ is.

Fast forward to almost 13 years later, JJ is still...JJ. Although a fair bit more perverted and very politically outspoken...He's maintained a constant sunny desposition.

However, I only reconnected with him during those 13 years, in sec 1 when we landed up in the same drama club. Primary school, I was only familiar with him in primary 1. This is where the development of relationships occur. Back in primary 1, I recognized JJ for a certain set of characteristics. After a long period of no contact, it was only natural that I inferred on my last impression of him, to carry on the relationship. Fortunately, I wasn't wrong on that point.

In the end, we've decided that only one thing could possibly describe JJ --> JJ.

Take another big man, WJ! The super mushroom. I also met this fellow back in primary 1. But back then, he was a very different bugger.

I was very scrawny in primary school...and WJ was....WJ. Big and mushroom like. He used to steal/borrow my pencils and not return them. Bastard aint he? haha. Big bully that bugger was.

Fast forward to Sec 3 and he and I are in the same Lit class. Cautious of him at first, due to my preconcieved notion that all my pens were gonna dissapear into his mushroom head...It turns out that he became quite lol-ly guy. All round slacker and ideologist. Ultimately being absorbed into the clique.

Only one description will ever stick with this guy --> Mushroom.

All these other guys mentioned earlier, the changes from one to another year are not very apparent. Afterall, there were years of seperation in-between, even though we still saw each other in school.

In this next part, I will talk about a man who needs no introduction in my life. Abel koh has been a brother of mine for 9 straight years. We've basically beaten each other to hell and back. Throughout this 9 years however, there was never any real seperation between us. We always hung out and did the usual SAS rubbish together.

Throughout the nine years, I've actually been able to observe the various traits of said best bro, how each of the ideals are formed, how our outlooks are formed and how they evolve.

To this day, we are still best bros, and ultimately, it has made me realise that unless you have been there to see a person through so many years, you will never truly begin to understand a person. Just as how parents always seem to know what you are doing or thinking, to truly know a person, is to have the time to hang arnd the person long enough, till all the clues are through.

DISCLAIMER!!!!

2009-12-30T00:23:00.002+08:00

It has come to my attention that my recent post has raised some hackes with my readers. I do apologise for the uproar. However, I do maintain that this is my blog and I have the right to say what I want. Furthermore, I have already tried to censor my words as much as possible.

Human Equations - Part 1 : The Search for a Girl

2009-12-27T23:50:00.004+08:00

This post will be a small case study on my often,puzzling, never-ending quest to find a girlfriend.

In the initial days, Secondary school days mnd you, I watched as my friends spoke about their female friends, their girlfriends, and how they socialised. They made it sound so awesome. And I bought into the hype. This was probably due to the fact that when i was younger, I did not really socialise with a wide variety of friends. My Human equation was replaced with the Critter Equation.
(For those who know my backstory, I spent most of my life with animals...)

So that was that. I was trying to fit in with the "cool" topic. Eh...I was a skinny, lanky kid at that point, with friends whom I felt were larger than life. I jumped at every opportunity, and when I finally got one, I had yet to realise that I was getting myself into trouble for all the wrong reasons.

Needless to say, that didn't end very well. My first and only relationship so far, is something that my friends remember far more fondly than I ever will....for the sheer fact that they got more of a kick out of annoying me abt it than me actually enjoying it. Trust me...there were the good parts....but then...there were also the suck parts...

My first relationship didn't end pretty. Trust me, I garnered a lot of bad karma there, and it's probably biting me in the ass right now. What also happened was that I developed a fear of relationships....not just any relationships mind you...I became ultra careful in the girls I wanted to pick. I actually swore nvr to enter into a relationship that I didn't want. This particular piece of my personal code will come into play again later.

The next year was the year of PSB. It was also the year which was dominated by only two girls of whom I was actually interested in. Namely, the very famous Tracy and Sharon. Why I went so whacko over these girls, is anyone's guess...But there are legit reasons. For one, both fit very well to my preferences and I simply found them to be awesome people. A later observation would also be made that they were people whose own attributes actually balanced out with my own. My relationships with either of them never really moved past the close friend stage, even though deep down, I really did love both of them for who they were. Love, being a dangerous word, I use subjectively here cuz, as a good friend once said, Love is Easy, Relationships are the Hard part.

And now, we move on to 2009. Here is where I went a bit crazy. The Tracy thing blew up in my face, and I my code, as mentioned above, caused some people alot of hurt. Sharon also returned to my line of sight for a brief period...but i think...it's gonna stay brief.

We are now standing on the cusp of a neew year. I disect the 3 incidents that really took cener stage this year.

The first incident that seriously flared up was with a poly friend, designated C. Most people know the story. She liked me initially. I did not. Tried to drive her away nicely...didnt work. Code kicked in and I took the nasty route. Summarised version...I think i fucked her up pretty bad. Our friendship now is kinda like crap.
All becuz of my Relation-phobic reaction.

Second incident was the culmination of my story with Tracy. In the in I was too late to tell her. I held back for far too long and the worst thing possible happened. Another guy got to her first. And mind you...I still love her very much. But she's just a friend now. I don't think i'll ever tell her about what went on at my end cuz it doesn't matter anymore. I've actually come to accept, at the end of the day that Tracy will always be the girl I had loved from afar but never had the guts to make a move. She will always be a friend, and I am satisfied with that.

The incident with Sharon was basically brief and to the point. Fufilling her promise to me...we went out for lunch....but then she also said that I had to get over Tracy b4 any thing else could possibly happen. In all fairness, she was right. At that point of time, I was still reeling from the effects of "losing" Tracy and I would have inadvertantly made Sharon my rebound... even though I would have never meant it to be that way. It would not have been fair to her and it would have reflected terribly on me as a person. Now I've decided to let the matter rest as I have no interest in complicating our situation any further. I still think that she is an attractive girl, by my standards, but I've decided that things were alot cooler as friends. The potential for a relationship just made everything so awkward...and it's not worth losing such a good friend over.

Now, the most recent issue that happened is my rising temper issues. This brings forward the real demon in me. I come from a family line where the fuse is very short. All the male descendants of my paternal line have utterly horrible tempers and on my mother's side, both my gran and my mum have very bad tempers. So it's no surprise that when I got injured, I couldn't train. No training = No outlet = Temper Rising. All this is rather negative, but it did lead to a very interesting revealation, which is the main purpose of this case study.

As my best bro and I were discussing the other night, I actually came to an epihanny. The rising temper actually revealed to me the source of my search. I have always searched for balance. And now, with my only other form of balance taken from me...the reason for the incessant search has become obvious.

I had, after all this while, been searching for a girl who could help me balance off my own personal attributes. That's why I was so caugth up with the Tracy and Sharon. Cuz they were the only two that had ever come close to succeeding in that department.

Why a girlfriend, some of u might ask....or hell...why even a girl? The answer lies in basic Male wiring. We have soft spots for the fairer sex and it is only natural that we let them get close enough to actually affect the balance in our personalities. Furthermore, with the pretext of a romantic relationship, it is easier to bond and there is a different level of trust involved.

In conclusion, I guess my "mission" still goes on. I have neither found the gilr that is willing to have me as a partner, nor do I have any targets at this moment. Either way, I am happy as I am right now, so life will go on...one step at a time.

China days

2009-12-27T23:26:00.001+08:00

See my facebook for pictures. :D

Day 3

2009-12-21T00:29:00.000+08:00

Today was spent mostly travelling. The plane ride there was relatively smooth. However, the weather was more than a surprise. First 30 seconds out of the plane proved everything. The clothes that worked for Guangzhou were no match for -18 degree whether. I was chilled to the bone. Fortunately, our driver knew more than well enuff of how to handle the situation and brought us to get some actual winter gear. So many props to him. anyway, we met up with some family friends and we had dinner together. It was awesome.

Anyway, will update again tomm. We got skiing tommorow.

China day 2

2009-12-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

Day 2 was awesome. We went to the Fish "market". Bloody hell..there is so many stuff i wish i could bring back...and i have a cunning plan! haha. For future refference, i'm getting my stuff from china in the future. Also, christmas celebration was awesome. Can you say fireworks? it was so cool. No way could you ever do this in singapore. We literally went to a minutions factory to get them. There were small ones, huge ones, multi-shot ones, hand held ones...unbelievably cool. They even had those metal encapsulated ones, meaning, they are on par with the ones used during the national day celebration. Cool shit.

Supper was awesome. For some people, they'd say that the street food in china will kill you...but trust me....it was awesome. Spicy ass hell....but in the cold...everything is great.

Anyway, day 3 coming. Harbin, here i come!!!

CHINA

2009-12-19T02:18:00.000+08:00

Hey people. Am in china now.
Guangzhou is cold but manageble. But things are about to get nasty. We met a native of Harbin and according to her, it's so cold there now that even she wouldn't go back. However, if the girls there all look as pleasant as her, I may just change my mind about that place. That being said though, the cold is pretty daunting. It's a standing -26 degrees in Harbin right now...but we'll see.

I'm outta here peoples!

2009-12-17T23:50:00.002+08:00

Flying off to china to freeze my ass off in a few hours. I'm going to a moderate place first, Guangzhou to attend my dad's company event....then...off to a place that could probably freeze hell over.

HARBIN. That place is on the border withg russia. Current temps there are dipping below -26 degrees people!!!

I'm so frikkin dead!. So anyway...please place your orders for packages of snow yea? I'll update during the trip!. See ya folks!!

...Just leave me...please...

2009-12-06T02:04:00.002+08:00

I loved a girl with all my heart. Bt now...she's gone away. But her memory won't leave me alone. It just won't go away. And each day...my heart hardens just that much more.

Damn...this sucks....
Tracy is still stuck in my mind. I can't get rid of her. My mind screams get rid of her...but my heart is rebellious. I am furious and confused by these feelings. IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. I am tired. Tired of all the feelings. I dread going onto facebook now...for fear that I may see another photo of her. I just did...and my heart simply tells me that she looks more and more lovely.

But i have to squash those feelings, even though I am not being true to myself. It hurts. A lot. She is interested in another man...and once again my indecisiveness and "caring" has led me to the shortest end of the stick. I hate it.

I wish I could be like some of the other guys. Carefree...with multiple girls and friends coming to and fro from their life. Thyey never have to worry. They are always wanted. People always want them around. Never lonely and and always having fun. Not caring what others feel...simply taking what they want. Selfish. That's the word. Sometiems I wish that I could be selfish. Makes things so much easier. But I'm not...and thats what makes things so hard.

The forbidden fruit is always the one that has the greatest allure. And right now...the feeling is impossibly depressing.Mind vs heart. I'm sick of so much emotional investment...only to come up empty. It wouldn't be the first time that something similar has happened. It hurts so badly. I WANT IT TO STOP!!!!

JUST FUCK OFF!!!!
GODDAMNIT!!!

Tracy...I'm truly sorry if you ever see this....but fuck off. I honestly wish that I would have just told you that day. The feeling of betrayal was impossible...the feeling of getting crushed....And now...you stay in my mind torturing my thoughts day and night.

I hate this. I hate this so much. It's affecting my rationality as a person.

I want to hate you for making me like this. But I can't...cuz that is selfish. And that is not who I am.

Be true to yourself. You told me once. And the truth is that I still have yet to get over you. I would like to think that I could easily just buzz off and say, NEXT GIRL PLEASE!!! But I can't.

Ultimately...hindsight is 20/20....and the truth hurts. The truth is that this situation is gonna keep hurting.

Secrets

2009-11-29T02:05:00.003+08:00

I wish to purge myself of a few thoughts. I write this entry semi drunk. Just finished the drinking party. I KO'ed halfway. My bro's fault. Go figure huh?

Anyway. Important stuff...lets see.

Sharon. I wish we could have "reconnected" under better circumstances. But you are right. I need to get over Tracy before trying to court you. I'm sorry that I almost, inadvertantly made you my rebound, although not quite in the traditional sense. It wouldnt be fair to you either. I'm sorry for being bold, but I will tell you this straight away. Today was a very good day, even though we had our awkward moments during lunch. You actually brought some intelligent conversation back to my life for awhile. And I really hope there will be more days like this to follow. I really enjoy your company and you are a wonderful friend. But...as we had said earlier...I have to tie up some loose ends before we can go any further.

Tracy. I still love you. Above all else, you will always be a treasured friend. You will have no idea how much you have taught me, without even lifting a finger. But...perhaps our fates are not meant to be. I want to move on. Because you made your choice Tracy. I hope the other guy can give you the love that you so desire...Cuz...I want to move on with my life. Nobody knows what will happen in the future...And I don't want to waste my time, pining after a girl I cannot get. Tracy, thank you for all the wonderful, albeit accidental, thoughts you had given me. Loving you has been an awesome experience...I'll always be your friend.. But I've gotta go now. I've gotta go...
So...Goodbye Tracy. It's time for me to lose you.

Slacker

2009-11-26T13:11:00.002+08:00

Am in class now. LOL.

One of my judo mates made a passing comment recently that kinda cut me deep. I had been out of training for awhile and have been trying my best to do as much as possible to keep in shape.

Yesterday they were put through hell training. All I could do were were multitudes of pushups with them. And I had a feeling, cuz they were in an exhaust-driven foul mood, I overheared one of them whisper that I was such a slacker.

I've been thinking...and I've made up my mind. I'll show them who's slackin...I'll train in any way possible for me. When I return to full active training...I'll show them. I'll show them all what happens if they underestimate me.

In other news, my dad suprisingly gave the green light for my pals to come over for a drinking party to celebrate my b'day. Quite a shocker indeed.

T minus 4 days and counting. I'm actually rexed for the first time in weeks.

2009-11-16T23:01:00.003+08:00

Tears will be shed,
Hearts will be broken,
Dreams will be crushed,
But life will move on.

Friendships are forged,
Enemies will be made,
Romance will be found,
But life moves on.

Facades will crack,
Colours will show.
Tears drip off my face,
Like blizzard snow.

Hard as a diamond,
Black as coal...
My heart is bleeding
Liquid gold.

But life...
Must move on.

T minus 14 days.....it feels like I've lost another friend.

Another late post.

2009-11-13T00:13:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling weird today. I was tired...yet at the same time happy. I was irritated and angry. Now...I'm hungry...lol.

13 days to my date with destiny...What the hell am i supposed to do?

It will be the first time I'm having my birthday during a school week. And...I honestly dun plan on doing much. Maybe I'll go have a proper work out or something. But I'm not really planning any party. I've become numb to those kind of activities now. Heart wrenching to see...Unwilling to participate. All I want...is perhaps a simple happy birthday. A card will suffice. Gifts are unnecessary. Especially material ones.

I feel...so so cold. It's unhealthy. But the cold gap in my heart is returning. I don't like that feeling. Boiling rage grips at my cranium. I want to scream. Hit somebody...throw that guy with all my might. I don't know. I'm lost. I've got no idea what is happening to me.

But that is life ain't it?

T minus 13 days....I'm a confused...ticked off, individual.

Midnight post.

2009-11-09T00:58:00.002+08:00

I'm re-gathering my thoughts. So many things. So many. Some sad. Some angry. Some happy. Some crazy. There is so much going on that sometimes I really do wish I had more time. Wish I could have gone back in time to right certain things that I feel would have seriously led me down a better road.

I wish I could have done so many things. Wish I could have stopped my parents from falling apart. Wish I could have told Tracy how much I loved her. Wish I could have been a better friend. Wished I could be a better person.

I've been told that I'm a great guy...fantastic person.
I've been told that I'm a horrible person...a monster.
I've been told that I'm more intelligent than I let on.
I've been told that I'm nothing more than an egomaniac.
Out of everything.
I know I've been told a whole lot of lies.

I've got plenty of friends. Few actually know me for who I am. Even fewer appreciate me for it. Sometimes...it seems so useless.

Opening up to people...befriending them, helping them, loving them...leads to nothing more than a broken heart.

T minus 20 days. My heart has solidified into a rock.

Screwed up day.

2009-11-08T23:26:00.003+08:00

Tell my dad first thing in the morning, that after I finish teaching the kids TKD, we will go to this aquarium in Clementi. He says ok. Then when I finally finish...I call him...he says o, we're bringing your brother. I say ok. When I get on the car...he says, oh...by the way, we are gonna drop by City Square Mall for lunch and to check out how the Piket and Rail store is doing. I say ok. We arrive...then go for lunch...and the motherfucker dares to run off halfway to attend to the store, claiming that they are under-staffed. So he comes back...gobbles his lunch and runs back to the store, leaving my brother and I, saying that my bro should go buy his stuff first. Fine. So we go buy my bro's stuff. We go back to the store. He's hard at "work" doing his sales pitch to a bunch of overweight morons. After he's done, he tells us saying that he wants to stay and continue the "work" there. Now I'm fucking pissed off. He drops us home anyway...but not before we head to the doctors to check out my knees.

Doctor says that we got some issues with the knee. Sets me up for an MRI somewhere within the next two weeks. Bad shit on the horizon. Doc says that if we find any sort of damage, especially to the ACL or MCL, we have to open me up...and after that...it could be a lifelong issue. The hell...I'm gonna need to be do aqua-aerobics to strenghten my limbs for a long ass time after that. And you know whats the best part?! No Judo, no BJJ and no TKD for the next year at very least.

T minus 21 days. I am an ANGRY man today.

Puzzled and Disheartened

2009-11-08T00:45:00.002+08:00

I just saw something rather saddenning on facebook. This post is targeted at the clique from W15Q Sem 1 from RP. Guys, if you read this, don't take it personally..I'm just speaking my mind.

Guys. What's happened to us. We used to be a team. We used to be tight. We swore never to drift apart. But over the span of one holiday, We stopped talking...we stopped hanging out. And now, I barely hear from you guys anymore. What happened guys?

I mean, its not like the clique isn't getting together anymore. Over the hols, I saw plenty of photos of your get togethers. But out of such a long holiday, I was just invited out once, and it wasn't like a unanimous decision to invite me either. You were all so damned shocked to see me there. Did I do something to piss you guys off? Have I not always said that you could approach me if you had a problem with what I did? Haven't I always been honest with you guys about what I feel? Did I do anything wrong?

If not, then why is it that when I try to hang around with you guys...I get the feeling that I'm not wanted around anymore?

And this term...Yes, I hang out with Celeste alot. Hell, I hang out with her almost everyday. Ever wondered why? I've always tried to be there for you guys. Helped with problems, helped with what study related things I could...done nothing but try to be as good a friend as possible. We were all cool. We finished the class bbq and ended on a happy note. And suddenly...I'm not wanted anymore?

I actually feel very betrayed guys. I hung with you guys for an entire semester..and yet now I feel so unappreciated. Guys, what's going on. Am I still part of the clique? Or just another annoying guy that none of you want around?

I'm not angry. I'm just confused..and now...I'm just hoping some of you will give me an answer.

T minus 22 days and counting.

Countdown to a Date with Destiny.

2009-11-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

Today is the 7'th of November 2009.
23 days from now, I'll turn 18. It's a quasi magical number for youths in Singapore. We technically become legal for almost everything...including jail. O.o

Anyway, people have been asking me...its gonna be my 18'th...what do I want for a present? Truth is...I dont know.

But maybe...here is a hypothetical lost, of what I would like for my 18'th birthday.

1) I wish to be able to get the guts to tell Tracy my feelings.(No matter how unfair it is)

2) I wish for my parents to just stop. Wipe the slate clean and start over. Thier childishness is killing me and it's not helping my worsening temper.

3) I wish that my legs would get better. My knees are not good and may be suffering from possible ACL damage.

4) I wish that I could get back to training. I want my BLACK BELT!!!

5) I want to find someone...who will just tell me what to do. Cuz sometimes, I feel so lost.

6) I wish that I could hug particular people and tell em I love em and how much I appreciate them.

So yea. 23 Days from my 18'th B'day, I have come up with the first batch of the hypothetical want-list.

T minus 23 days and counting.

Fire in my Heart...Rocks in my Fists....Storm in my Brain

2009-11-01T22:30:00.009+08:00

I am...confused. I have no idea whats going on with me. Million and one thoughts rushing through my brain......confusion, anger, affection.....gah......GOD DAMN!!!! STOP IT!!!!

I feel like killing somebody rite now...am pissed off...
I can't train properly....can't do shit. Some guy asked me if I wanted to spar. I'm so tempted to say yes. Just take him to the ground and run away with one of his limbs.....gah......FUCK!!! I apologize in advance to the Judo team. If I try to kill anybody at training on wednesday, someone please choke me out....I want to stop thinking.

My mind is a mess. The thought processes are filled with a backflush of garbage, on epic proportions. Tracy...Sharon...Abel...my family...school...exams...judo....tkd...class...friends....its all swarming my mind....I'm going utterly mad.

Stormy Night

2009-10-31T23:22:00.003+08:00

Just a random poem I came up with while sitting at the bus interchange. It was fucking raining like no tomorrow. Crazy stuff.

She sits in darkness,
This Stormy Night.
Highlighted only through
Flashes of light.

Gale force winds
Lash her hair,
Caresses her cheeks,
Skin smooth
Tight.

Her eyes behold the storm,
Water dripping on her frame.
Her ears,
Hear not Thunder.
Instead,
Whispers...
Poor poor thing.

To infinity and beyond

2009-10-29T00:37:00.004+08:00

I am seriously burnt out. Nonstop, almost daily rehearsals for the judo/martial arts demo this friday. Damn....tired shit peoples.

Time for shout outs....Bro Abel! Relax dude. You gonna be fine for your A's. You've always been able to pull off the whackiest of feats, so the A's are no different. You'll be fine. We'll catch up soon and we can bombard each other with more nonsensical crap. Drinks are on me!!!

I'd like to give a little shout out to another dear buddy of mine, going through some troubled times.

No tear shed,
For those
Undeserved.

No thought spared
For those that
Hurt you most.

No greif taken,
For those that
Care not what you feel.

No attention paid,
To those who seek
To distract.

You'll be fine,
Just learn to
Disconnect.

Get out of my head

2009-10-28T00:57:00.003+08:00

Be gone, cursed thoughts.
My lady has gone away,
Off to the arms of another man,
But over my heart,
She still holds sway.

Tracy my sweet,
You have gone away,
But my fondest memories
Are here to stay.

I'll always love you
And that is the truth,
But the thoughts still haunt me,
My dreams,
Still filled with you.

Head is slow...

2009-10-27T00:12:00.001+08:00

I've just come back from having a drink. My mum brought me out for it. haha. For those who know me, I'm not fantastic with my alcohol. One margherita is all i had. My system has slowed to almost a standstill. My temp has shot up...and i'm quite red.

nvm. Once in a blue moon chance to enjoy a proper drink. maybe next time, I could bring that special someone out for a drink too. We'll see.

Losing you.

2009-10-26T02:04:00.003+08:00

Dear Tracy,

I think, by now, you'd probably have found out my feelings for you. I love you Tracy. I really do. And no matter how I hard I try, there's just no turning back. I wish I had the guts to tell you in person, but the truth is that I am scared to face you.

Silly me, ain't it? But yea, in actuality, I do fear your rejection. Because I've never really received a rejection outright from you, I tend to keep trying to fool myself into thinking I still have a chance.

I don't know. Maybe I'm over-reading, but that friday, when we bumped into each other with ur mum, did you look at me with some form of pity? Or a variation of fear? I don't know. But to see that look in your eyes devastated me.

I was probably blinded by my feelings for you. It is unfair of me to judge you like that. But sometimes, my mind just runs wild.I was utterly smashed when I read that you had another man waiting in the wings for you. But I am glad..that you have found someone. It hurts like hell to tell you this. But...I am happy for you. I'm happy that you've....found...your love.
It's your choice remember?

All I want you to know is that I love you. And no matter what happens, all you need to do, is to reach out to me and I will come running. You are a dear friend and confidant. Yes, losing you will hurt like hell, but a part of my heart will always belong to you.

Love always,
Your friend,
Bryan Ng.

The 5 Stages of Rejection

2009-10-10T01:17:00.002+08:00

Stage 1 - Sianz.
This here, will be stage immediately following your rejection. For most people, it won't last too long. Symptoms include having no idea what to do next or being bored out of your mind.

Stage 2 - Realization
At this point, you have passed the Sianz portion, and realitly has begun to set in. You begin to realize that you've missed your chance. A reality check just came crashing into you and the feeling is utterly crushing. Symptoms include grief that feels almost unbearable and the feeling that you can't do anything to get over it. This can take quite long to recover from.

Stage 3 - Bummed
At this stage, you would have gotten over the realisation that her heart belongs to another man. However, you are still pining for her. Your heart feels utterly empty, and all you want to do is go to the girl, cry at her feet, and ask for her to reconsider. Either way, you don't do anything. Just sit around moping.Symptoms are a slight combination of Stage 1 and 2 symptoms.

Stage 4 - Musings and Fantasies
At this point, you begin to lie to yourself. You begin to tell yourself that she isn;t really interested in the other guy. You begin to go into denial, thinking that everything will be ok when you climb out of bed the next day, that she'd still be unattached to anyone and she'd be totally interested if you appraoch her for a relationship. The combinations of scenarios can vary. You may even think up a scenario where you actually meet this guy...give him a piece of your mind perhaps? Symptoms include just all round insanity, accompanied by occasional tears.

Stage 5 - Exceptance
This is it. You've finally woken from your stupor. You know you've lost her and should at least settle for being her friend. At least you'll still be there to help should she ever call out for you.You try to move on, but it varies from person to person.

Goodnight, Travel Well...

2009-10-08T00:22:00.004+08:00

She has slipped from my fingers,
She has slipped from my grasp.
Now I watch from behind a one way mirror,
Tears falling, leaving trails on the glass.

My heart is Shattered,
It bleeds, It Cries.
My heart belongs to her
But her heart is not to be mine.

I've lost her. Tracy...I've lost her. She has someone waiting for her. Someone she is keen on, and it doesn't happen to be me. I can't helped but feel completely shellshocked. I am very very sad. But I still love her. I always will. She has captured my heart completely, and a part of it will always belong to her. She has another man waiting in the wings for her. Another man, whom she seems to return feelings for.

I love her, but her heart belongs to someone else. I will let her go, because I respect her decision. It's her life. I wish her the best with this man. And if she ever needs me, I'll be right there waiting to catch her if she falls. If that man ever hurts her and I find out, he'll pay.

I love you Tracy. I never had the guts to tell you that. I did everything in my power to tell you. Everything except tell you directly that I Love You. And now, I've lost you. But you'll never be far from my mind. One day, I will find the guts to tell you I love you, Tracy.

Nien! Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein!

2009-09-30T00:41:00.002+08:00

I'm calling for an angel,
For whom will never come.
There is no Trace in sight,
No salvation for a crippled warrior,
Behold his diminished might!

No more heroics for the knight,
No Trace
No Salvation,
No release for his lonely heart tonight.

Life has dealt me an incredulous blow. You were right Tracy, continued use and aggravation would lead me to lose the use of my limbs. I actually saw a fella today...he looked abt 20 odd years old...and he was walking abt, relying heavily on a cane. I dont want to end up like that.

I can hardly work my groundgame. I took all the preventive measures...knee guards and all....It still hurts. I'm seeing the Chiropractor again....this is gonna be a long road to recovery.

New Beginning

2009-09-28T01:26:00.003+08:00

The holidays are gonna end in a weeks time. That being said, I'm kinda looking forward to the new school term. Gonna be changing classmates. Am a little apprehensive yet, appreciative of this.

The class that I was with in the past term was almost perfect, we got along very well and our talents meshed together like clockwork. There was great class spirit. However, things are NOT perfect. Throughout the term, it is easy to see cracks and fissures appearing within the "ranks" of the class. Underlying tension is never in short supply here. Ultimately, I really think it was a matter of keeping your friends close, and keeping ur enemies closer.

Over the course of knowing these fellows, it has begun to occur to me that, perhaps, some of them never really considered me a friend. Just a passing, annoying face in their life. And it does sadden me abit. A friend once told me, Friends come - Friends go. It's sadly true. Its really is a matter of chemistry. With some people, you get on with them like a house on fire. Others, you spend half the time convincing yourself not to strangle them. Odd isn't it?

My best bro and I spent almost 8 years of knowing each other, basically attempting to murder each other from start to finish. Nearly 8 years of activities that would have murdered any other pair of friends if our actions and reactions were not so synchronized. And ultimately, the gratest injury ever sustained in each other's pressence, was SELF inflicted. What a load of crap ain't it? Bunch of crazy people we are. Ironically, neither of us even has a decent photo of us together. 8 years of friendship...and not a single photo. Afterall, those who are closest are carried in the heart.

The jealousy had a small flare up yesterday. I have these two friends from school that I would think I'm quite close to. They get together. And the scenes I have seen, are rather heart warming. But they do strike a nerve. Escpecially when my thoughts drift to the lady of my heart. Tracy...Tracy. You have caused my heart so much pain...yet brought me so much more. Maybe i'm over-dramatic, but you have captured my heart andthere is nothing I can do about it either.

I love you Tracy. And I really wish, that I could tell this to you in person.

Asipirations

2009-09-25T02:59:00.004+08:00

Aspire to do better,
Because you can.

Aspire to hit harder,
Because you can.

Aspire to find your perfect girl,
Because you can.

Aspire to be the best,
Because in the end...
Life, is what you make of it.

Ultimately, life really is, what you make of it. You do your best in everything, and you will reap the reciprocated rewards. I just calculated my GPA score. 3.1 is an average mark. Not exactly what I wanted. But no...never mind. Next term, it will not be a repeat mistake.

I'm rather badly injured at the moment. Both my ankles and knees have been significantly injured. My passion for the Martial Arts has begun to take it's toll. I have no idea long more I can keep this up. I'm leaving things on the backburner for now. Gonna try to take things easy. But I dun really have any idea what's gonna happen to me at the moment. The Judo members have taken it upon themselves to bar me from streneous activity that could damage my joints any further. So it remains to be seen.

I had a serious jealousy attack the other day. I saw happy families going on outings, I saw couples that were very much happy with each other. I saw so many things, that money could never buy. So many things, that seem to have evaded me. I am happy for my friends that have found their partners, temporary or otherwise, but sometimes I wonder...What in the wrold am I doing wrong?

The Tracy thing....is lying dead in my mind. Stagnant. I really do love her, but for now, I am at my wits end because of an utter inability to do anything else about the situation. Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't. Either way, I am once again forced to sit and wait. Brash actions will not help me here. I must persevere...just like what she is doing as well.

she's the only one on my mind...

2009-09-15T01:56:00.002+08:00

I reach out to touch her face,
As her image races from my mind.
Her sweet, sweet voice,
Echoes in my ears.
I want to kiss her gentle,
And tell her I love her so,
But her company is off limits,
So close,
Yet so Far.

I had previously posted that i had tried to forget about Tracy...tried to tkae my mind off her and stuff...It didn't quite work out as planned. Cuz right now, she's still on my mind. And it feels awful. Awfully good, to know that I have a goal, yet, awfully bitter, that I don't, won't and can't dare to tell her that I have feelings for her. I just can't.

It's like the forbidden fruit in a sense. I risk distracting her from work, yet at the same time, i'll never find out what she truly feels about me. And what if I do tell her? More risks involved!!! I risk distracting her, or worse yet, rejection, from the most prefect girl in my eyes to this day.

Sometimes, I feel almost willing to trade in anything, for just one day, to tell her what I feel. My time will come. One day I will tell her why she is, the loveliest lady in my eyes, why I will always be there for her, that she'll always have a place in my heart.

One day, I will tell Tracy, that I love her.

...the audacity of love...

2009-08-23T00:10:00.004+08:00

I want her now
I want her bad,
I'd make her my lady
With all that I have.

I reach out to her,
For just a moment out,
But am turned away,
My passion faded out.

yea....doesn't take a fuckin genius to know....I asked her out....again....
Failed.....again. Rules...regulations....GAH!!!!

I hate them. Caused me more misery. Always playing on my conscience....I love her. But I can't have her. Not becasue I'm incapable....no. It becasue I'm a threat...a distraction.

Sometimes, I try to forget her, Tracy. I try to imagine myself, lost in the arms of another girl...but everytime i look over my hypothetical shoulder, i see her there...staring at me. Telling me, that she knows where my heart lies. My desire tells me to forget her....that the girl in front of me will do anything for me, that Tracy will never have me, no matter what I do for for. And the girl...she will draw me to her sweet embrace...but my mind will be unsettled still.

And when i wake from this dreaming...I find that...not only do is there no "other girl" to lend me comfort, the apple of my eye, my dear, dear Tracy....is not there either. Dissapointment...doesn't quite cut it here.

But...I love her. I love her still, with all my heart. And no matter what she does...All she needs is to reach out, and I will come running. Cuz in our darkest hours...sometimes, all that is required is a little love, to make it all better. And that is probably the most mind boggling thing about love. Cuz...no matter the situation, if you love someone...ur thoughts will never be far from them.

So, if you ever read this, Tracy, just remember, that I love you. As a friend or otherwise, just tell me what you need. Cuz a part of my heart, will always belong to you.

All about the girl

2009-08-15T01:48:00.002+08:00

I wish
I wish
For a little gift,
To hold your hand
For one small dance.

I wish
I wish
For a little gift,
That you grant me the chance
To show you what you mean to me.

I wish
I wish
That I may give you a kiss
To feel you soft lovely skin
You are always in my heart,
Tracy, you own me from within.

yea....I'm still mad about her. I think about her every now and then....drives me crazy....and I love it.

a lovely lady...and a whole new weight class.

2009-08-09T02:58:00.000+08:00

"You are the fire of my heart, the passion in my soul. My dear...my dear. Your smile makes me melt, your eyes, behold, a delight. The look of joy on your face, forever etched into my mind. Sweet dearest, Tracy."

Yea...I've still got my eye on Tracy. I actually got to spend some time with her, face-to- face. In a bar no less!!
It wasn't much...we just stood around...talked abt how we were doing...the usual chit chat and catching up. Played darts. It was fun. Or...as much fun as I could get out of it anyway. With this young lady...I have come to take the simple pleasure of her company, as good enuff. Cuz she, is a long term issue. Nothing will go well if I rush, so best to take my time. I don't know if i'm looking at this correctly, but I love her. I really do. Cuz she's forever in my heart, and always on my mind. I would honestly do anything she asks of me. Anything within my power anyway. So yea...haiz...still thinking about her smile.

haha.

Anyway....I've officially moved up a weight class. My regular weight of 66 kg has gone COMPLETELY off. I now weigh in at 70kg of muscle and bone. I can't bloody believe it. LOL. According to my friend...most of the weight is coming from my shoulders, due to increased training from Bjj and judo. Hmm....no wonder those judo buggers always come in XL sizes. hahaha.

Horrible Happenings

2009-07-07T22:36:00.006+08:00

So....I went for a recent TKD tourney. I didn't win. Sadly. LOL. Won the previous one...bt nvm...I'll settle for silver this time. But, No...That isn't the horrible happening. To understand this, I will have to explain what occurred in the previous tourney. I fought this guy, whom I had befriended while waiting for my bout to begin. 7 hours, to be exact. So we bacame fast friends, despite the fact I attempted to decapitate him with a head kick.

Fast forward to this recent tourney. I meet him again, but I'm not matched with him. Instead, he's fighting bout number one. So he goes, and fights. 15 seconds into Round 1, my good friend lands a massive kick onto the jaw/neck area of his much larger/fatter opponent. So this guy takes the shot, stumbles once, and falls like a redwood. Everything seems fine...until the refs and trainers are unableto revive him. The ambulance is called and he's carted off. Head kicks were banned from this point, citing the unfortunate incident. I lost because of this clause.

I'm blissfully unaware of any further occurance until my dad starts bugging me to check on the fella's status. Thats where the real shit starts.

If the reports are right, that dude, may never get up...again. Thats right. That guy has been unconcious since Sunday. The initial report came in that the kick had put him into a coma, with little chance of waking up. Second report said that there was extensive damage caused with little chance of recovery. The latest report said that the kick had blown out the guys' blood vessels and caused swelling in the head. The doctors gave him a 10% survival rate.

Thats not so bad! some of u might say. But heres the double whammy. His 10% chance of survival, will be spent as a vegetable. Permanant catatonia. An empty shell in other words. And he's ONLY 16.

The scary part here, is that I could have be in both positions right now. I fought the "dead" guy's opponent before, the only thing is that I'm just far too tall for him to hit my head. But the danger is still there. One the flip side, I could have killed my opponent the same way, had head kicks not been banned.

So yea. I'm not exactly worried abt anyof it. Hell, I'm quite prepared to go any second. I train hard for my fights, and I'm pretty happy with my life right not. The only issue is that I'll die a virgin....which is...in a way...crappy. But yea. I take my fights for what they're worth. I'm not abt to quit combat sport just becuz a guy pretty much dies in front of me.

Tae Kwon Do vs BJJ vs Judo

2009-06-21T01:11:00.002+08:00

I dunno. I'm taking 3 martial arts at the same time.

Tae Kwon Do....I've dedicated almost 2.5 years to it. I'm just a Brown belt, with average skills, slightly above average power, and an above average aggresssion/shouting tendency. And after all this training....I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. Disillusioned is the key word. I'm still no better at stretching than before...some seniors treat me with trepidation, and the Sir, has high hopes for me. I dunno.

Brazillian Jiu Jitsu. Gi or No Gi, I love ground grappling. I'm quite proficcient in it, and furthermore, I enjoy it immensely. And to be honest, I'm much better in my grappling, than I am in TKD. Hell! I taught myself Jiu Jitsu through YouTube! So yea...I seriously doubt why I have yet to go for formal classes. I really feel like dropping TKD and following my actual interests.

Judo. I'm taking this in RP at the moment. The seniors don't really like me...I don't really care. The problem here is that my throws aren't very good. What I excel at is groundwork. Gave my partner hell during the last training when we did groundwork. And it doesn't help that they are rather terrified of going to the ground with me, effects of the initial showing of BJJ skills during the first class. But here's the problem. I can't perform any submissions on the opponent till I'm a Blue belt. Thats the second rank before a Black belt. It's a long way to go.

To be
Or not
To be.

That is the Question.

Shellshocked

2009-06-16T00:34:00.003+08:00

....Its never enuff....is it? No NEVER! .... I give up everything that I would rather be doing! Just so that I could do something meaningful for once! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! ONE CURVE BALL AFTER ANOTHER!

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!!

GOD!? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!!

HAVE YOU FUCKED AROUND ENUFF!?

FIRST! YOU DRIVE ME ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER! FORCE ME TO BE THE BAD GUY...MAKE ME BREAK A COMPLETELY INNOCENT HEART...FOR FUCK!? SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! WHY THIS!? SO THAT I COULD CONCENTRATE ON A DOUBLE DIPLOMA?!

NEXT! YOU DECIDE TO LET MY PARENTS CONTINUE THIS BULLSHIT! YOU FORCE ME TIME AND AGAIN....TO PLAY A DOUBLE AGENT! JUST TO KEEP THE ILLUSION OF A FAMILY. YOU LIKE HAVING THIS ON MY LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS!? HUH?! YOU HOLY MOTHERFUCKER! SITTING IN SOME HEAVEN SOMEWHERE! YOU AND I ARE GONNA HAVE SOME CHOICE WORDS WHEN WE FINALLY MEET.....

LETS SEE....NOW, U SEND ME ON A RELAPSE! I'M FINALLY CONVINCED THAT I SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON THE DIPLOMAS AND LEAVE THE GIRLS ALONE. AND NOW! CURVE BALL! YOU REPLANT IDEAS IN MY MIND!!! YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY!?

YOU AND I, God.....we have a problem now.

....attitude problems......motherfuck you.....ARGH!!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! The next person in my way, dies.

I try to be good. I really do. I try to do things right. But is it ever enough? Am I ever going to be good enough, so that I can just live in peace? Why will people always judge me for things beyond my control? Why? Am I such a delightful target? Do you enjoy watching a crumbling facade and a non-existent heart...carry on, just for your sick amusement?

Am I ever going to be good enough...so that people....will just shut up and like me for who I am?

Colours and Stalkers

2009-05-12T22:44:00.003+08:00

OK.......here's the deal. The first week of RP.....was a farce. People arent quite who they seemed to be in the beginning.

Lets see.....for one......KATHERINE NEO. Now, she, I previously classified as soft spoken. Now, she's about as soft spoken as Russell is small. Bloody hell......crazy woman that one is. That aside, she's officially become my chief, albeit welcomed, annoyance. I swear, with her around.....life is never boring. NEVER I SAY!!!

Either way, we kinda have a "new" member of the Lunch Group to introduce to you readers. Meet "Crazy" Christina The all giggling, ever laffing, crazy lady from the class upstairs. LOL.

Things arent quite what they seem though. The class may seem calm. But Something has come up. I hope it doesnt boil over and affect those involved, too adversely. We will wait and see.

And yes....much to my amusement, we have stalking problems in RP too. hahahaha. Apparently Elizabeth is a really hot celebrity in Chistina's class. And apparently, one of the poor fellows in that class has been so utterly bewitched by her, that he is fantasising about her. He's stalking her too. Came down to my class the other day, just so that he could catch a glimpse of his...idol. Now this dude is short and kinda fat, making the hilarity that much greater. Shan't say much more. I have to see Liz in class tomm. hahahaha

Christina has a stalker/admirer too. Now this is hilarious. She was presented with the decapitated head of Minnie Mouse. Thats right folks. She got a decapitated, wire sculpted head, of Minnie mouse. I swear, it is the most.....bizzare looking thing i have come accross as of late. Seriously.....its just odd. Nvm...i'm not really in the right mind to describe it right now. The only thing that is to be said, is that we are using the head as a stress relief toy now. LOL.

2009-05-11T08:06:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting in class writing this. I'm early. 3 guys have arrived so far. Russell, Yew Fai and Leong Yee.....

Hmm....i'll complete this post later. For now....time to slack in class.

Dissapointing.

2009-05-01T00:56:00.002+08:00

Tonight was....pathetic to say the least. Although it was nice to once again have the company of my PSB mates......it simply ended...in a dissapointing way.

The first time I had been to a pub. Too bad i'm kinda allergic to alcohol. Mind you, thats not always a bad thing. Kinda keeps me in control and mantains a strong abstinence from alcohol. But after about an hour, most of the group decided to get up and leave. They were going to a club....where, i just wouldnt feel comfortable in.

I really apologise to you, my PSB family. THere are just some things I dont have the guts to face yet.

I felt like crap when I left. Stopped the cab in Serangoon gardens and took a walk. Went to see Sharon and Tracy. The lights in Tracy's house were out. So i assumed she was asleep. Sharon was up, typing away at some work, so i did'nt disturb her. I walked home soon after.

Thats where things go downhill. I'm not upset that they went to a club and i didnt have the guts to follow. Its what my dad said when I got back. Lets just say that his diplomacy needs a little polishing. Told me to keep a careful distance with the people who have cared so much for me over the past year, all because they are who they are.

sigh....dissapointed.

First Week of RP

2009-04-25T01:07:00.004+08:00

So....my first week at poly has come to an end. And boy...what an interesting week it has been. Bt i cant tell u everything, so instead...u get highlights...lol.

Ok...lets have a run down of the people in my class. Ladies first....Now, first we have my in-class gossip buddy, Celeste. (by the way, i blame the PSB gals for getting me hooked on gossip) She's cool to talk to...and we have fun annoying each other...and talking abt the other classmates.
Next there is Katherine....well...nice girl...another talk-buddy in class. i'm getting to knw her. She's soft spoken, bt has shown glimers of a cheeky side that she has yet to unveil. Then, we have Elizabeth, whom to me, is the class belle. She's the prettiest of the lot i reckon. She may come off as rather stuck up at first, but once she opens up, she's cool too. Then we have Wei Shan.....she's kinda cute...bt she looks very girl-ish. Looks like she belongs in sec 2 and has the height to match. Then we have Shima, a sweet malay girl who's rather soft spoken and has a pretty face. She seems to have a good figure, bt then again...all i can see is her face. She wears a headscarf. The we have Lisa. Another vertically challenged individual. She's malay too. Her attitude is ok...bt i dont know much abt her. Then, there's Vani....indian girl....whom i try to tolerate. There's an Ah Lian butch whose name escapes me, and a super stoner girl named Crystal. LOL. There's also a china girl but...nvm...

OK...then we have the guys. There are alot of them....so i will pick out those worth mentioning.
First on the list is this super annoying bugger named Syafiq. For those guys who were in SAS, think david tay H.E mixed with Ganesh...and amplify the lod moth-ness and annoying factor. Nuff said. Ok, then there is a dude named Azam. Celeste likes to bug him. He's cool dude. Works well too. Then there's Rusell. An ACS Barker fella, whose built like a stone. He's a rugger. Cool dude, sharp mind, and even sharper tongue. He's the class jock...except that he comes with a brain too. I think he's ok...bt Celeste doesnt like him. (Come to think of it, she doesnt like alot of people. Bt she's a little judgemental.)Bt yea. The others kinda slip my mind. But i know i've got some cool dudes in class.

Anyway...on to something more recent. My Enterprise Skills teacher is NUTS!!! She is fucking crazy. Bonkers. COOKO. INSANE!. She's like Professor Trawleny from harry potter. She even dresses similarly. Good thing is that i'm staying on her good books.

Anyway...its late. I'll update more stuff tomm.
Sleep sleep.

Motherfuckers.

2009-04-22T21:46:00.002+08:00

The topic of this post was concieved at around midnight so my contributors and myself were not exactly in the right mind at that time. Please do not be offended by this post as it is meant to be a joke.

Motherfucker. This term is used so loosely nowadays. People hurl this at one another without pause to think of its original and actual meaning.

To understand this, one must look at a particular peice of knowledge known as Freud's Theorem.
Frued's Theorum states that Every Daughter has an inate want or desire, to usurp her mother's position in the family, to screw her father. Yes....sounds screwed up doesnt it? There's more.
The second part of the theorum states that after the daughter has achieved the first stage, she will want to then usurp her father's position in the family, and sleep with her mother.

So to simplify this, A daughter would want to overthrow her mother to fuck her father, then overthrow her father, to fuck her mother in return, thus....it is safe to conclude that Girls, are in fact, the ORIGINAL, Motherfuckers.

So remember people, the next time somebody calls you a motherfucker, or u decide to use it ur self, remember, Frued's Theorum. hahahahahaha

Musings and Nightmares

2009-04-15T22:28:00.002+08:00

Day 1 of RP Orientation Camp complete. I have a group of stoners in my OG. One mega despo fella, and a variety of other interesting characters. The cohort for engineering is massive. The cohort for my course....is microscopic.

I had a horrible dream last nite. Its is utterly suitable to call it a nightmare. You all knw that Sharon aint exactly interested in me. Actually...she aint interested in me at all.
I dreamt that in all my time waiting for her....one day, i would see her outside, dating another guy, while i'm busy playing the waiting game with her. This would happen after she had told me she wasnt interested in a relationship with anyone even.

I told her: "Not interested in relationships. I see. It would have been easier if you just told me you were interested. Just not with me."

I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Day 2 of Orientation coming.
Sleep.

Sore...Tired...and Glad for past experiences.

2009-04-14T00:28:00.003+08:00

I'm sore. Sunday's training session has semi paralysed me. The "sensei" decided to do a mega PT session....outside...in the sun and heat. Now...i normally have no qualms about working in the sun. Bt a gi really doesnt help the cause at all. Right now, my legs dont work....i have problems descending stairs and slopes.....my back muscles have been pulled, and gah...i'm pretty beat up.

I'm tired. Tired of waiting for her. Sharon. I can never tell if she looks at me with actual care for a friend...or pity for a guy who tries so hard, but will turn out all for naught. The brothers may be right. She probably isnt the best girl for me. But I still like her for who she is.
I'm tired of waiting for her. But it doesnt mean that i'll stop waiting. I like her...I really do...so I will wait..unto forever, if i have to.

I'm starting Poly life next week. I'm excited. A new life awaits me. But as i move on to a new life, i will always carry with me the lessons learnt over my past 3 terms at PSB academy. The girls thought me to take responsibility...more or less shoved me into the role of leader anyway.
They thought me that not there's more to people than meets the eye. And...they gave me my smile back. I will miss them dearly, but as Sharon once told me, I have all rights to miss them, but i mus'nt taint their memory by holding myself back. Because i know they would only want the best for me.

Those who I'm about to leave,
I salute you.

Those who have made me smile,
I salute you.

Those who have been with me all the way,
I salute you.

To my brothers and sisters all,
I salute you.

The Future is Upon Us

2009-04-08T00:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I was in a cold ass room....It was raining outside, and about 40 other people were cussing their asses off because our lecturer told us the wrong tips for the exam again.

Today i spent the better half of the day trying to cram some last minute topics for my Marketing test tomm....I've also been laying out mental paths and plans for an upcoming story. I plan to finish it this one....It will ba good one. I promise you.

Tomm....I have a bloody Marketing paper.....the lecturer for which happens to be the aforementioned one.

My blood brother has decided to give up pursuit of a lady friend....it is a loss on all sides. He has to put aside his feelings for the sake of his A levels.....She will never get to know him anymore than a man who passed by in the windows of life......I got ROBBED!!!! of a chance to return years of tormenting that he's dealt me. 7 years i waited. 7 years for an opportunity like this....and it flies off again. Back to the drawing board.

I still hope that Sharon would change her mind about me. I still hope that i may finally get a chance to seriously ask her out....get to know her better. get her to open up a little. (sounds wrong dont it?)

Heck...i wish i could just be a decent friend with Tracy.....not some...zoom-by-your-house-on-bike-yelling-hi kind of shit. I mean actually meeting up with her. Sigh.

But i dont know if i can control myself when the situation arises. I leave the comfort of having people that i look up to...The ones who have looked after me all through my past 3 semesters at PSB. I leave them.....and i'm heading into Republic Polytechnic. There...i will find a whole slew of new people....most, if not all, withing my relative age group. And i dont knwo if i have the will to keep myself from going wild. I know that i have a rolling stone inside of me. Brandon calls it a withdrawal symptom from girls. Charlene was planting funny thoughts in my head.....Both of them think i may loose my virginity there. (choi...touch wood...no wood, touch paper)
Bt the problem is real. I dont knw how i'm gonna react....am i gonna stay the way i am....become some flamboyant playboy...or retreat back into the shell which i hid in during secondary school?

I know i will try my best to stay who i am....its actually the happiest i've ever been. I know i'll try to play it cool when it comes to the multitudes of ladies there....But i'll be bloody damned if i end up in another female dominated group.

chatter-chatter-gossip-gossip

argh! the madness!

Haha.

The Future is upon us.....
No Fear...for we will charge the enemy...
For glory unto Death.

Then and Now

2009-03-29T01:33:00.002+08:00

I would first like to apologize to my readers for the massive rant. I'm alright now though.
Just had to get some of that steam out of my system.

A calm has now come over me....i dont knw. Oh well....Nothing much happening. I'm having exams soon. sigh. terrible.

Moving sch again...this is getting annoying.

2009-03-23T01:18:00.002+08:00

...i feel different today....i feel...an unbridled rage just waiting to be released. Curious. Then again...it could be something else....bt i'd rather not test those waters. Bad repercussions to be had if those come through.

its highly annoying....these feelings. HAve to keep them in check...lest some innocent gets hurt.

Romance movies....

2009-03-21T02:22:00.003+08:00

..I've realized something...

Every time i watch a Romance related movie or show......i just get...a bitter taste in my mouth. I see whats going on...the happy endings......the characters finding their perfect partners....A sinking feeling i get in my heart. The shows...oh so cliched.... Every time...i am simply reminded of my failures. I am reminded of my simple inability to get girls to like me in the way i would like. That maybe, they would view me as viable boyfriend material.....BUT NO!!! NEVER!!! ITS ALWAYS BRYAN THE NICE GUY!!!! BRYAN THE GOOD FRIEND!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!! WHY !!!!!! Am I too good at being a friend!? IS THAT IT!!! Am I that inadequate!? AM I SUCH A NICE PERSON THAT I AM DISQUALIFIED FROM BEING A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!! TOO NICE!!! IS THAT IT!!! WHY!!!

I know I'm nice. I know...that when i talk to a girl, her parents...everybody can tell I'm a good guy. I'm courteous, groomed, well spoken, friendly, reasonably good looking. I speak to them like the gentleman my parents raised me to be.... I befriend them....and give them my all when they ask it of me. But why, even after all the care and effort i put into them...why don't they ever reciprocate anything? Why do some of them seem so....intimidated by me? Why are they so wary of me? Why do they always feel that they'd rather have me around as a friend?
Am i so invaluable that I must remain a friend....god damn... on how many young lady's lists have i already risen to good/best friend status!? IS THE WORLD GONNA END IF I LEFT THEIR FRIENDSHIP!?

Will i be missed that much...if i became something more than a friend? Am i such a turn off that i can only ever be considered a friend?

I know I wouldnt be who i am if i werent the person i am today. I get be parents easily, and i could charm a girl with ease....Bt i dont. They tell me that i'm nice, kind, considerate, knowledgeable.....all sorts of things that are supposedly turn-ons for the girls....
If thats true.....whats wrong with this equation?

Bryan+good qualities+girls= Just Good Friend.

It makes no sense....and i just feel so alone....dozens of people rely on me for support to help them through their rough patches.

Hell....I even helped Tracy through a whole term of home/scool work....put my heart and soul into writing a story for her school work.....gave her all the info abt various animals when she asked for it.....Bt no....do i get the thanks i deserve? NO!.......Tracy was royally grateful for my help. But...I was just too good. U people must be wondering....wtf ? I'll tell u. I was such a perfect gentleman to her....that her mother viewed me as a THREAT!!!!!! ME! A FUCKING THREAT! I'm harmless for crying out loud! She seperated us...minimized contact. Broke us apart. I've only just begun to re-establish contact with Tracy...and thats only becuz she has time to spare during the hols....Next week, its gonna return to radio silence for months at a time. All this because her mum was worried that Tracy would fall for me and forget about her studies. Because i was too good.

And then there's Sharon. I dont even knw where to start. I'm not too close to her. She guards her heart well. But i try to be a friend. I try to help her with some work....i try to be a friend. Its the only thing i know how to do. But she's not interested. I can tell that she cares as a friend.....but sometimes, it just feels so inadequate.

I'm alone in this universe
Searching for the perfect girl.
I'm not asking for much,
My standards are simple
My company is good.
All I want is
Someone I love,
Who would simply love me too.

2009-03-20T02:04:00.001+08:00

I go to sleep tonight...feeling unsettled....dun ask me why. I long for the company of friends...i long for the challenge of a fight....i long for the touch, ...of somebody close to heart.

2009-03-18T01:49:00.002+08:00

"Don't leave me!" he shouts to the night. But she turned and left...never looking back.

It's always the ones whom you love, who bring u the most sorrow and regret. And sometimes...in all the strife and discord....all it takes.....is a give and take. One doesn't always have to win....far from it. Sometimes.....a simple sorry would suffice. Live and let live......forgive and forget. Not winning one argument never hurt anybody. No point causing yourself more suffering, in a world that is already full of pain.

"I am weeping tears of sorrow, for a world that's dying in pain. People are all colder, all things done for personal gain. There's fighting in the house, with children watching forth. There's no love in the, no time to dwell on such things. All of life's priorities, given way to other things."

Moving On

2009-03-17T01:38:00.003+08:00

I talked to Sharon earlier. I ranted abt my woes...bt she stopped me in my tracks. She cares. She really does. Maybe as a friend only.....bt the fact that someone cares brings abit of hope to my heart.

It's ok to miss my "family".
I have the right to miss them.
But i cannot let my feelings for them hold me back.
I must strive for what is ahead.
Looking back, only for the lessons of the past.
I must move on with my life.
Because my friends have faith in me.
So I will not let them down.
Because my family has faith in me.
So I will not let them down.

I will fight on.....
Because I will not let....Myself down.

The Fist The Spirit The Heart

2009-03-13T23:58:00.003+08:00

Attended my first sparring session in a very long time. And for the first time, in a very long time, I got submitted. Trained a fair amount of stand-up. Abel, utilizing his Wing Chun / Ba Gua mix, while I used a fair mix of whatever striking skills I had picked up. People say that watching me and Abel spar is terrifying. They would have fainted if they saw us today. I think today was the most deliberate show of striking that we had ever displayed...much less against each other. We held back. I'm quite sure. Going full on would have meant one of us landing in hospital, repeated neck strikes are bad for health. Hell....when he caught me in the tricep slice/Arm bar, I couldn't believe it. The first time he's managed to sub me in a very long time. Its an unfamiliar feeling. But we let it rip today. Got bruises and abrasions all over.....all in all...a very.....eventful training session.

A fire burned and died. I don't know what's wrong with me.... One minute i'm determined to move on with my life...the next minute...i can hardly will myself to go for TKD training. Something inside me broke...i just haven't found it yet. Sometimes i just want to scream into the night sky..."LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

I'm still confused over Sharon....still can't decide whether to continue trying to chase her or not. I'm leaving the private school for a poly soon. Chances are, i'll meet more girls....chances are, i could end up forgetting about Sharon. Damnit. And then...ghosts of the past are catching up. I've continuous urge to go look for Tracy. Maybe i'm just missing a good friend. But...i feel...something more....baseline than mere friendship. something more....I dont knw. I haven't seen her for a fairly long time. I really don't know who i want. Who to choose....I have some opinions from the guys. Sharon was't too popular with Abel and Wei Jie.....Abel's opinion means alot to mean....so i have to consider carefully.
Outwardly i tell myself....If Sharon accepts my date at the end of this year, I'll take her....Bt if she doesnt, too bad.
Honestly...i dont know if i can pull it off.
Maybe....i'm not actually the steady guy who can pick one girl and go the distance. i know that part of me.....some part of me is a rolling stone. A playboy. I was told that my dad was a notorious playboy when he was younger. My brother has definitely picked it up....bt me?
I dont knw myself anymore....Staring into the mirror....its like staring into the face of a stranger.

Missing?

2009-03-05T22:03:00.001+08:00

I find myself today.....pining for something...or someone. I dont know. A sense of dread and loneliness has started to creep up on me.....and i feel like i'm in despair.

A part of me is lost....and i dont know who or what took it. Perhaps its reality that's setting in. I'm gonna be leaving 'family' behind again. Gonna have to start all over again. And i've gotten quite attached to them.....

I just dont feel good today. sad....just sad.

She Loves Me.....She Loves Me Not

2009-03-05T00:18:00.000+08:00

She loves me....she loves me not. ...Actually...i highly doubt she loves me...even as a friend. Yes...i am talking about Sharon. I think i've come to the realization....that even if i still try to chase her....we will end up being friends. Good friends at most. Nothing more....hopefully nothing less.
Nevertheless...i try. u'll never know till u try aint it?

She loves me....she loves me not. I know a friend who loves me... I was contacted by an dear friend recently. I believe my readers have heard of Tracy before. A young lady...whom i had a one-sided crush on. Nothing ever came out of it....she was too busy...and i couldnt bear to be responsible for her fate, should she have become distracted by me. I had confided in her..abt the trails that we had all been facing. The odd email worth of communication is all that i get to hear of her now-a-days. But these.....nuggets of gold....help keep my head on. One thing she told me....struck me the most. Carpe diem. It's latin for Seize The Day. How true those words are. I'm hardly immortal. Everyone has one life to live...and if u dont make the most of it, it will run out one day and at the end, you will ask yourself....did i live my life? did i do what i wanted? And at the end....a little voice in ur mind will whisper: no. At the end of it all.....a part of my heart will always be hers.

They love me....they love me not. Honestly.....i dont doubt that they love me. haha. I will miss my family at PSB so much. In St Andrews...i found my brothers. Brothers at work, Brothers at heart...and a Brother in Blood. In PSB*, i found my sisters. We worked...laughed....quarelled....and slept....in class!!! (what the hell are u people thinking of!?)
Odd huh? In SAS...i dun have a choice....we're all guys there. But when i go to a mixed school....u'd think i'd find a more mixed clique to hang with....bt no....i choose the oddest, Gossipy-iest, noisiest, loudest and sometimes the most uncouth group to hang with. They have taught me something that i will treasure for life. Shakespeare was right....Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.....And if u pissed of a whole group.....i dont know u. haha

This post was dedicated to all the gals in my life. The gals who are on my mind and in my heart.

*after 3 terms in the school...i have yet to find out what PSB stands for.

2009-02-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

I like her, i really do. But now, is not the best time. none of us can afford the distraction. she has her A levels......and i.......will soon have to deal with two Diploma courses. We've been talking. Gave me some nice pointers when i was ranting to her abt the work load. Even better yet...was the short sms she sent the next day, asking if i was coping with the work well. I thanked her for her help....bt i never got the reply. Still, it was nice....and for what it was worth.....i appreciate her effort. its the thought that counts.

The truth is ......i'm afraid for what the future will hold. I'll be leaving behind friends, who have helped to see me through the past two terms. Sis Jasmine.....Good Friend Charlene......Friend Apple.....and Miss pink-a-lot Jessie. I'll even include the gay-lord, Nicholas. These people have been part of my group since....well...almost day 1. we worked, quarelled, laughed, frowned....all these things that have kept me sane throughout this time. Jasmine, who provides me with a....somewhat rolemodel to look up to......Charlene.....who is.....well....a good friend...haha. Apple, who is always silent......but its the silent ones that are dangerous.....and Jessie...who looks out/ scolds me everytime i step off the beaten path and slack off. All these people....i'll be so bold to say that they are my PSB family. I'm gonna be leaving them behind....

After that...i'll be heading to either Temasek or Republic Poly. new people....new friends. its exciting. Bt i cant help bt feel reluctant to leave. I was split from my "family" b4. The O levels sent my brothers and i in different directions. Abel and Wei jie went to SRJC, rahman got sent to SAJC, JJ got sent to Aeronautical engineering, albeit unwillingly......bt yea. u get the point.
On top of that...i would still be continuing my PSB course. At NIGHT!!!!
I'm supposed to go for poly in the day......and on select days....head to PSB for night classes.

Bloody hell.....This is gonna be a long year. Bt....i will get through. Theres a pot of gold on the other side of this....awful rainbow. I intend to get there.....or rather....get her. haha.

ps; if an old friend is reading this, take note that all is forgiven.

life as it is....

2009-02-03T22:24:00.000+08:00

She's not really interested in me. As a matter of fact...she ain't even interested in having a relationship with anyone. She told me that if i could wait till her exams are over, she would be willing to let me try. From now till then....bloody ten more months. long ass time. Long ass time for me to try and change her mind and get her interested. this really sucks.
...always have to pick the difficult ones....bloody hell.

wishes.

2008-11-26T00:46:00.000+08:00

i wish i could tell her i liked her......bt i feel like she'd rather not knw...

the story so far

2008-11-21T01:17:00.000+08:00

i'm speechless. Literally. Gotta a frikking sore throat that degraded over the course of several days, and now....i cant speak. I'm almost completely voiceless. Ah well....that aside...i guess i'm doing relatively well for now. Lifes been giving me a few rough and tumbles, but i'll fight to make it through. Mum and dad have regressed to a Cold War again. There are occasional bother disputes and small sniping matches...bt its holding....for now.

Enough abt immature parents.....its depressing. Lets talk about Sharon....(dreamy sigh/look). Lol.
Yes...i am interested in her. Lets just say i'm still taking my time with her, bt i'm making progress. I actually asked her out for dinner last friday. It was more like supper, since i ended my training at 9.30, then met her at 10pm. Aye......dinner was....alrite....R.K.House......lol. After dinner, we took a walk. A nice long walk, where we simply talked. Walked arnd the estates in serangoon gardens, then walked her home. It was 12.30 when we got to her place. Gd thing she lives in the area too. hahaha. Truth be told...i had a really stupid grin i was trying to hide...escpecially when i got home. I insist it was just a dinner....bt the guys and Elizabeth are saying it was a date. oh well....we'll see won't we?

I'm signing off.....cough setting in. Still cant speak. LOL. See ya.

The dark side clouds all.

2008-10-17T23:07:00.000+08:00

....My life is taking a u-turn. Its actually all good. Bt my family....in particular my parents....are....falling apart. The name of the game now is to see who can spite the other more. its a mess.....the tension at home....god damn....u could cut it with the blunt end of butter knife.

Its affecting me badly. First my mum got sent to the hospital....then, the crap just continued. I cant sleep right......i'm distracted, and bloody concerned. its just...Gah....cant describe how nerve-wracking it is for me. I even managed to read and write wrongly...hell.....at training today....fell twice while throwing easy kicks and almost took another trainee's head off. The guy in sch is bugging me for that fight we arranged. If he asks me another time, i'll take the fight on the spot. I will kill the next guy who tries to be funny with me.

in other news....i'm still trying to chase Sharon. Not much progress....bt i'm slowly befriending her.
We'll take time....

Procrastinate now, don't procrastinate later.

2008-09-16T01:18:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to do an update for awhile. however, the age old evil called procrastination kicked in. Either way....a wise man once told me....to "procrastinate now, don't procrastinate later." Dont get it? basically dont procrastinate at all. So here i am. Where do i start.....hmm. I know, my upcoming fight. In about a month's time, i'm taking on a classmate in a MMA match. I'm excited. anyway, lets see. well...ironically i dun have much to say...4got everything. Accounting has dethroned Math as my least favourite subject. I'm still considering ways to go after Sharon. Sigh....i hate being "love-sick". It completely distracts u and takes ur mind off everything else. Work is only tolerable because i know that she's struggling and trying her best to study as well.

its late. I'll be off now.

Crazy daze are upon us.

2008-09-04T23:18:00.000+08:00

Omg....where do i start. OK, i will start with yesterday, Wednesday.

So,...i did it. yes, i finally did it. i finally asked Sharon out for breakfast. And she agreed. I met her at RK House for breakfast....prata. I t was interesting...discussed various subjects in life. then, we made our way to Elizabeth's house. Apparently, Elizabeth and i go waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to kindergarten. Back then....she was a classmate of mine and i was known as Bryan the Dinosaur!
now, that same phrase actually helped us meet again...hahahah. well...she's sharon's good friend now.
So we go to elizabeth's house....loaded with work. Now....this is interesting....we had a group activity. we and a s.......study session.ahhaha. yes. a study session. it must be the fact that it was all gals there that i actually get any work done. well...it was interesting cuz i almost went nuts....math is bad for the brain. anyway, we took bus home after that. the rain...loong wait and the jam on the way home allowed for some honest heart to reat talks...and iscussions....including my hotly contested and apparently "correct-sounding" Chaos Theory. There was something funny though. There was this guys sitting next to us. and he had this rightheos fury in his eyes that screamed "i will smite thee in the name of the LORD! heretic!!~". It was uper funny....there were times in the ride where he'd just turn to look at me like he wanted to refute my theory. it was real funny. anyway...the time spent on with sharon and elizabeth was nice.

today was just as interesting.
i had sch today which was mind boggling....and i tell u....accounting sucks. Anyway....abel came over to my place after i finished sch, and we pretty much had our usual, nice, long, discussive conversations. then we grappled. nothing really spectacular. bt nearing around 3 in the afternoon....he pulled off a move which brought his foot charging towards my injured nail. needless to say...it hurt like hell....detacthing it further. ok
the pain stopped. we prettry much slacked and philosophised until dinner. after dinner, we decided to grapple. mid way through the fight, my bro came down to watch. thats when he pointed one thing out to his utter horror. my nail was sticking out at a right angle. apparently, it popped out in one of the struggles while we were grappling. i sat out for the rest of the night while abel and my brother duked it out on the mat.
at the end of the day, the two of them have become certified WWI surgeons. abel held me down while my brother used the pliers to pull the nail out. needless to say...it hurt. but its out now...so u get to see photos!. anyway, that is all for this entry.

Day 1: Injury dayDay 6: Aggravated injury.
THE "surgically removed" Nail.

The nail-less toe.

Pain....loads of it....

2008-08-31T22:38:00.000+08:00

well what can i say, my karma sux. I went for taekwondo training today. it way fun. However...the fun came to a crashing halt...only to be replaced by PAIN.. First, during a demonstration...my instructor stepped on my injured toe. It was ok....no visible continued damage.....then came another activity.... That one caused the pain. This time....I had another monster...90 kg this time, stomp directly on the injured toe....rupturing the injury and forth flowed the life essence, blood. Damn it sux. hurts like hell...and its staring to throb like mad.

anyway...school starts tomm. excited to get back to work. we'll see how this term goes.....escpecially when it comes to handling a particular irritating could-be-former team-mate. bt we'll see.

Passing Daze....

2008-08-31T02:18:00.000+08:00

today breezed by quickly....considering that i got up at 12noon...it comes with no surprise that i wasted the better part of the day. Here is now the full body assessment of the damage taken during the grappling session and taekwondo lesson that occurred on Friday. Most of the damage is caused by the 94kg monster, JJ. Pulled wing muscles, strained neck, bruised ribs,aching jawbone, a sprained ankle, destroyed toe, and a hamstring prob.....damn I'm gonna shot that gorilla. haha.

i asked Sharon out to dinner via sms. however, as luck wld have it, she didn't read the message till 1030 at night. .....sighs....must be something to do with my karma....

school starts on monday. I'm excited yet at the same time, dreading it. I'll be missing sleep again. Oh well....we'll see how it goes wont we....

grappling woes....and painful feet.

2008-08-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

Today was rather interesting
Teacher's day was interesting. i visited the good teachers in secondary sch, and had an interesting catch up session with my primary sch teacher. Discussed some prevalent probs with the kids these days. Interesting.

Then came the grappling. Grappling with my best bro Abel, was norm...nice, bt it was nothing new....just expended more energy with massive takedowns. However...then came the next opponent.
JJ. For those of u, unfamiliar with JJ, he's a hulk of a guy. same age as me, but taller, bigger and 94 kg of nothing but pure, raw brute force. U cld liken him to a juggernaut if u will. Now grappling with him was a challenge. It was fun...and for the first time in a long while...i found myself struggling with an opponent. All fine fine and dandy....
Until the 94 kg monster took a stomp on my right foot and completely murdered my big toe. the whole area's gone purple, and in abt a weeks time...the whole damn nail will drop off...
All in all...a good day....except for a muthafuckin pain in the toe. damn...its gonna be a lousy week ahead of me. haha.

What is the mesure of a man?

2008-08-26T15:45:00.000+08:00

What is the measure of a man? What is it that defines him? Is it how he looks on the outside, or the good in the depths of his soul?

I don't know....its hard to discern my thoughts nowadays. Life has been good to me...school is great, training is perfect....but I've realized that I'm becoming lonelier than ever. I've been longing for companionship for awhile and its eating away at me. When i sleep at night...I see multiple scenarios.....wondering how diff girls would react to me if i told them i liked them. i fear inadequacy. maybe its my mind playing tricks on me...bt i always see this...fear...in their eyes. like i'm a possible threat. i dont knw.

Life has moved on for me. Contact with Tracy is minimal now. The girl's been doing great, made it into the Student Council...bt now she's busier than ever.I pity her....in all the midst of her struggles...her family is financially falling apart. They were once a well to do family...her father was a pilot and things were all fine and dandy. Bt then, he got cancer....and quickly..what was a stable financial future, has now disintegrated into a struggle to make ends meet. And she's there...stuck in the middle of it all....unable to do anything bt study as hard as she can, all for the sake of a scholarship that may not even be hers to take. I dont want a girl like her to slip into poverty. She's too....good...too innocent to have to suffer what she is presently going through....its just not fair. She's special to me...she's the first girl whom i connected with on an intellectual and philosophical scale. I like her. I still do. Bt any hopes for the future look bleak. I just want her to be happy, and i'd do almost anything to see that her bright future can be secured.

I've got a small crush on my present student too. Her name is Sharon. Same age as I am, with a witty mindset and a certain level of awareness that i think will help her greatly in the future.She's quite pretty and has considerable amount of brains to back it up too. Bt she's very academically minded too. Bt it seems she has never been interested in relationships. We'll see how it goes....

I think i may be getting my hopes up. Bt there is a girl in my taekwondo class who seems to be giving me a little more attention than b4. She's nice. Pleasant looking would be an understatement. Chirpy, and bright...i guess i could get used to the attention...perhaps turn it into something else? I dun knw....my bro says she's quite a good match for me.
Oddly enough....she's the only girl i've knwn so far, to have sucessfully avoided my brother's charms. Ah wwell...we'll see how it turns out.

the story so far.

2008-04-21T13:11:00.000+08:00

hell, its been a long time. well, i'm back. i guess some things have really changed sine i last blogged. first off, i can do algebra now!hahaha. training has come along fine, and school .....wont be starting for another month or so...haha.

well, life's been alright. the whole thing with the Tracy gal has died down. she's just too busy for me to try anything. oh well, i'll just sit back a let life take its course i suppose. if she comes and looks for me in the future, i'll be thrilled. bt if not, who cares. i'm satisfied to just hold my position as a good friend. i can play the waiting game too.

oh well, time is short...gotta rush off for tution....retaking the O's is a drag...bt i have to do it.

Evolution

2008-03-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since i updated.....my life is strangely come to a relative calm with small storms bubbling up now and then. i'll be heading to the PSB academy to do Business Admin this May, and i've found great relief in the occasional trips out of the house to spar and attend drama practice. My relations with people, in particular, girls, is still.....right where i left it. Swirling arnd in the dust, and getting nowhere. I think its takin off....terribly slowly though. I have met a particular young lady, whom has peaked my interest. She's smart, sweet, pretty, sensible and hardworking, strong, loyal and extremely brave. My hat goes off to her. bt i guess we'll stay as friends for now and see where life takes us.

Hopefully i'll be able to make new friends at PSB......

---redd

humility

2008-01-19T00:38:00.000+08:00

I learnt a very important lesson today. I normally go by the code that respect has to be earned. For most of the junior Black Belt holders...i dont really hold much regard for them. Why? Here are the facts.....for all of 'em, i'm at least 2-1 head taller. i know i have more fighting experience. In a regular fight, i know i can take em out in under 5 shots......but, i forgot to count on the fact that good things normally come in small packages.

Sparring today was something of an unexpected wake-up call. I was picked to spar with this rather cocky young punk, who had never really shown much respect to anybody under him (my opinion anyway). The sparring was more like a kick fest.....nothing short of machine gunning the legs at disastrous rates.

The kind is about 14 years....give or take. And it just struck me that for them to have obtained a black belt at that age.....they gotta have some mad skills. They got a black belt for a reason. I've always been warned, that when i go into an attack frenzy, i start to make mistakes....empty strikes, loss of a defensive guard...i never realized how crucial that guard was until today.

I think it happened when i tried to drawback from a kick he was about to deliver. It worked, i dodged the attack. What i didnt see was his leg stop and reverse direction. Needless to say, height worked against me as he blasted me in the privates.

Pain is good....Pain is your friend....pain means you're alive. Yeah....it also sends adrenaline rushing through your body and triggers off rage like a fire in a gas tank. I think if the others didnt make so much noise and i had not tried to reel myself in.....i would have hurt the kid pretty bad....had already began executing a extremely harmful maneuver by the time i came to my senses....good thing i stopped.

i never quite lost control like that before. The kid taught me something today.....he thought me that arrogance is the key to naught but failure. I know he has my respect...i hope i've got his.

---redd

The new Year

2008-01-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

Its a whole new year. They say that people change. That by-gones are by-gones. Perhaps its time for me to change too. Am goin to try and clinch a job at some cafe with one of my TKD mates. Had several good talks with a good friend and comrade. Its interesting to see how people find love and are lost in the uncertainty of the period before both parties truly accept each other's feelings. After watching him.....i'm reminded how good it feels to be in love. how good it feels to have a thousand feelings and emotions race through your mind unchecked, and how easy it is to loose control.

Needless to say....i kinda miss it and am a little jealous of him. However, i'm constantly reminded of what happend the last time i tried......needless to say, disaster ensued. Love is such an annoying thing....without it, life is much simpler yet oh so boring, i'm suffering from a lack of female interaction...hahaha . I'm getting a job soon....am gonna go for the interview on monday.....hope to meet some new people there.

The fight club is taking off well.....another training later.....Its late now....gonna knock off.

---redd

Leaving on a jet plane

2007-12-21T00:05:00.000+08:00

I'm leaving on a jet plane. i know when i'll be ack again......it is the 25th!

anyway...i'll be heading out to china in a couple of hours. i dun really want to go....bt i have to. anyway.....i'll report in now and then...its gonna be cold and boring....i hope i dun die of boredom...good thing i have my trusty pen and paper to do my writing. i'll miss some people. i'll miss someone, who's strong, smart, pretty and a little too stubborn...and i'll be missing christmas. i'm spending it on an airplane.....sigh, see ya.

redd

Ageing? WTF?!

2007-11-30T23:22:00.000+08:00

i turn 16 today. it means alot of things for me. My cellphone contract expires tomm. I've entered...a new phase in my life and the icing on the cake......i'm of legal age now.

haha, that doesnt mean i'll go around screwing girls like nobody's business. What......you mean you thought i'd do that!? C'mon! have a little faith! hahahaha. i guess now that i'm legal...i gotta take things more seriously. i mean...i can get arrested and jailed now. More responsibilities and a different outlook on life.

an interesting friend once told me that there is no fun in doing "IT" once you are legal. i wouldnt know cuz i'm saving myself.......for whom, i aint sure. maybe she'll come around one day. besides....who can resist my manly charms? lololololololololololololol

Bah! This ageing stuff is crap.
---redd

The Past....The Present

2007-11-23T01:44:00.000+08:00

I just watched the movie, Stardust. it was honestly the best movie i've seen this year. the theme and all was extraordinary...escpecially the story. bt thats not why i'm writing this.

watching the show, i really had to think about what i had gained...what i had lost. You never understand the phrase, "you don't know what you've got till it's gone", until you've truly lost something.....i do not regret my decision to split with my Ex-gf. i really dont.....but sometimes...i cant help but get the feeling that i miss some of the times we shared. Love is just the most extraordinary thing that could happen to a person...it can bind, blind, save, destroy, change....it can do so many things.

sadly...things seldom finish with a fairy-tale ending. Most who know me would know about my less than splendid break-up with my Ex. i don't regret my course of action.....i couldnt have done it any other way...i am sorry for the way things turned out, bt i had to do it.

i have a whole new life waiting for me now....and honestly...i think i'll enjoy it. The movie was enjoyable....and very inspiring in a sense. i know that i'll make it.....i just know i will.

2007-11-01T01:25:00.000+08:00

it will be a short one today. I'm at the tail end of my O levels now. Life has been good, and i think i'm enjoying myself more now. Secondary school will pass by in juz under a week. i'll really miss the times i spent there. Bt i'm still goin back.....Drama Club aint gettin rid of me yet...haha

thoughts...

2007-09-26T01:34:00.000+08:00

Struck by lightning
Dragged to the ground
I feel my heart
Is burning out

My resolve to live
Is slipping away
How much longer
Can I stay this way

My inner-strenght
Is incomplete
Whatever I know
Is obsolete

My future is clouded
What more can I say
I never asked
To be this way

Now I stand
At the crossroads of life
And I dont know
Which choice is right

premonition

2007-09-24T23:08:00.000+08:00

A true master,
Is only one,
When his casket
Is closed

The dragon was born
Of fire and earth.
The dragon will fall
Under the weight
Of the world

But.....the
Red-dragon will rise
To see another day.

2007-09-08T19:59:00.000+08:00

i feel better now. Tomm is gonna be kinda a big day. we are gonna have a house guest for 6 months starting tomm! haha. sigh...injured my leg....AGAIN! my taekwondo master made me spar with an opponent almost twice my size and mass. my leg feels like it got run over by a bus. the opponent was lucky....she was a girl. Why? cuz 70% of my kicks went in between the legs..... if it was a guy that i was fighting....whoop dee doo.....no more balls for you...haha. anyway...prelims continue on monday. sianz. this a short post
---redd

heart of stone. failure. goodbye?

2007-09-06T15:29:00.000+08:00

i feel like my heart is breaking apart. every piece that falls off, is replaced by stone. my heart is turning to stone. the earth which i base my fighting on, is now creeping up and devouring my heart. slowly, i become numb, till i can feel no more. its constricting my lungs.....and i cant breathe.

i know i'm falling. that much is assured. i feel that with each passing day, i'm becoming a greater failure. i feel that my parents had wasted 16 years of blood, sweat and tears, for nothing. because i know i will not turn out to be anything. should i carry on this meaningless life? i have lost all hope in myself, i wont amount to anything anyway. i lost what was left of my spirit a while ago. now i'm nothing but a shell.
yet i carry on. for my parents who stil have so much hope in me. for my brother who has more potential than i could dream of having. for my friends....who see me as a person.

yet few see me for what i really am. a failure. few see that i am but lost to this world. that i'm nothing but an empty husk....merely waiting for the elements to weather me away. i am lost.

Strong like the Earth

2007-09-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

i've been practicing my free-form martial arts more regularly now. all that teakwondo has really turned me into a wussy. bt it has its uses. i lost a great deal of my strenght over last 3 months. could hardly perform my "signature" moves or stances. my master made me do 20 pushups for every move that i could not effectively execute. i used to be able to strike my double handed punch and break at least 7 boards. now all i can do is 4 boards. a girl beat my ass when it came to the awarenes training (see one of the previous entries) and i almost got beat by my junior. and he was using a flowing stance. back then, i would have kicked his flowing ass into the wall. now, he nearly chopped my head off. only bloody thing that stopped him was when i stomped his ankle joint....and it was nt even intentional. i was only trying to get a more grounded stance...bt no....i stomped his ankle and sent him rolling around in pain....thats great eh? i'm a fucking disgrace.

thats why i'm going back to training. i cant afford to loose out to my other classmates. and with the recent events happening in my life, i figured that i need to make myself stronger. i need to be strong. Strong like the Earth.

2007-09-03T20:34:00.000+08:00

ya know, i figured i wont go feel sorry for myself anymore. i'm beyond that already. i was kinda crushed for awhile, but i figured that beating myself up wasnt worth it. i obtained a new "toy" the other day. got a new staff. it handles great and is real tough. looks unimpressive though. its taller than me, so its gonna need some getting used to. i got chinese tomm!!! TUTION!
damn....

hurt and a plea for forgiveness.

2007-09-01T17:59:00.000+08:00

I'm through with bryan ok. Hes fucked up. Hes screwed. He makes me miserable. He doenst know ANYTHING about me right now so he should just fucking stop trying to be nice and trying to console me cause he thinks im not over gabriel?---tanya.

yea. thats all i'm ever good at. hurting people. pushing others away. getting people to hate me. my ex once said that i'd never get another person to love me again. now, its not even love. its only a matter of friendship, and i couldnt even do that.

everytime i try to be nice, something juz backfires on me. i dont know? is trying to be a good friend such a crime? must everything i do be marred by the fact that....i was just trying to be a nice? maybe i got cursed somewhere along the way.

i'm confused now. did i give up trying to chase a girl i like, just for this to happen? i just dont know now. perhaps i broght it upon myself.
i tried to comfort her over something i had little to no understanding of. i was stupid and niave. and i have once again overestimated my understanding of people.

should i juz go be a real bastard now? cuz i seem very good at it. some of my friends will say that i should stay the way i am, cuz thats what makes me bryan. bt that bryan seems to do everything wrong. when i tried to be nice before, i was taken advantage of, ridiculed, fooled. when i played the bastard, everyone took me seriously! everyone left me alone! they seemed to accept me better! is being a bastard better?! is being a fucking monster better than being a nice guy?

to say thay i was hurt, is an understatement. and no amount apology could take the feeling away. bt i probably hurt her too, so my apologies go out to tanya, has probably been hurt by what i said, more. i'll remeber this though. i'll use it. and in the future, i hope to be better. i hope to be stonger. i hope that she will forgive me.

---redd

blind

2007-08-31T14:49:00.000+08:00

i finally have the time for a short post. we are in the middle of my prelims now, and several things have happened since i last posted. among other things, i have seen friendships fall apart, people undergo fustration and sadness and breakups in between.

i had a dream the other night. i was dating a girl who had lost her sight to some assailants with acid. i remember asking her how she lived like that, she said that seening is not always believeing and that sight is not the only way we can percieve the world. ironically, her image is one that was pretty confusing. she was a mixture of several different faces that i had found pretty.
i figure it strange that i remember faces that strike me as pretty. they seem to ingrain themselves in my mind and mingle around with others. then they all merge to form this mixture. it always comes out nice.

blindness can really increase your sensitvity to your other senses. my sensei the other day taught us about using our hearing and touch. he covered our eyes with a blindfold and turned out the lights. it was dead dark.the only light came from the window in the corridor. then he divided us up into teams and made us spar with one another. i guess i could relate one of the fighters to the girl in my dream. ok....she has honestly been more hardworking than me cuz i've skipped more than 3 months of free-form training liao. (i know, i'm a lazy bastard) the defending team would be the ones being blindfolded. she had a blindfold. sure, her team lost in the end, bt it was amazing. i only realized how it feels when it was my turn to take the sparring ring. cuz' the training area is wooden, you could feel the vibrations of other people's footsteps. and laziness bit me in the ass.

i tried to block my incoming opponent, completely misjudging her speed and position.....the two of us ended up in a sprawled heap on the ground. yea, my double-handed punch totally missed her, instead i kinda ended up huggin her, bt momentum caused us to crash.....sux huh. sure it was embarassing, bt damn it was funny, haha. the class thinks we are an item, but i know otherwise. oh, well. pity though, she's very pretty. haha.

whelp, that rounds up my entry for today.

Breaking the habit. And facing yourself.

2007-08-16T20:31:00.000+08:00

Where great internal strife remain,
All the tears are shed in vain.
For when there is
Hurt and Pain And Loss,
One has to locate
And cease the cause.
Let rage and darkness
Consume you not,
For it will rise
And consume your heart.
Let all your grief
And suffering go,
For grudges destroy
Even hearts of Gold.
May courage rise
And honour prevail.
And in the final hour,
Feel battle's thrill,
Let the Lord Guide you
Unto his will.

To all my dear readers and friends, this will probably be my last post until the O' levels are over. i figured that i could no longer afford to waste my time. furthermore, my computer is like a drug. the moment i see it, i gravitate towards the ON button. I'm moving it to my brother's room tomm. now he's gonna have two coms. i may blog occasionally though. I've decided to retake my chinese O's for the fun of it. afterall, a D7, although enough, aint quite so satisfying. yea, so....hope to blog more as soon as the O's are over.

The other night, i had this dream. it was more like a journey of self discovery. i was like in this dark corridor. the only light coming in was from the end. it was fire light. i could hear screaming, crying and begging. A female voice . so i walked in and saw what was happening. the scene was familiar. i had a similar dream, just that nothing good came out of it.

there chained upside down, was a woman/girl. her body was covered with various injuries. from cuts and bruises to burns and open wounds. there are more gory details. bt i wont go into them. only my closest friends have heared about those tortures before. so anyway, there, standing infront of a furnace, retrieving a burning hot iron rod, was me. a sick, dark, twisted version of me. the girl starts to beg and cry. "No, please, NO! no more please! Just kill ME!" thats what she was screaming. my evil self simply laughs and says "where's the fun in that." then he takes the rod and shoves it into......ahem.....yea. (go figure.) Evidently it hurts alot because she begins to writhe and scream. there was a burning smell. i can hear him laughing. as her bodily fluids flow from every orifice, he attaches a cable to the metal rod. so he flicks a switch and electricity runs through the girl. screams and spasms follow. i can see all her bodily functions shut down as whatever waste she has left is let out and mucus and saliva is free flowing. as the spasms become more violent, and electricty begins to dance accross her body followed by small "explosions", the corpse begins to blacken and burn.

then he turns and looks at me. He says,"isnt it good to know that you can do this?" I say that i would never. He say that there is a monster lurking in everyone of us. waiting. waiting for the right moment to strike. it rears its ugly head everytime we get into a rage. i say to it that i would never do that. he says that he is a part of me and that he would do to my friends, what he just did to the girl. that they, like her, would die a horrible death. i give a loud never and tackles the fella. then, i can see that we seem to be coming together, to be melding into one another.

then, i find myself in front of a grave. my friends are there with me. gabriel tells me that its not what is inside of me that makes me Bryan. then nick continues saying that its what i do as a person, that make me who i am. tanya tells me that its not the wrongs that make people judge me, bt my character as a friend. Daniel telles me that i make my choices, and have to face the consequence and that my friends do care. everyone cares.

i wake up soon after. the rest of it was hazy. so i leave this to you people. the last post for a verylong time.

There is no Black.
There is no White.
Only different
Shades of Grey.

There is a Dark.
There is aLight.
You gotta choose
A way.
Whatever you Choose,
The paths you Take,
The consequenceAbound,
You cannot
Try to Shirk them off,
Or even turn around.

---redd

movin on....

2007-08-11T23:55:00.000+08:00

i'm back. recently i think i pissed tanya off. maybe i was kinda too direct with my questions. bt i think she's 4given me. well.....i guess the week's been treating me fine. what a long holiday though. the exams are bearing down on us and the chinese O level results are out on monday. my english O level oral is on tuesday, and my prelims start on the 21'st. busy much?

i've been doin some thinkin recently. and i'm trying to be a better person. some people dont see me for who i am. some think i'm juz a emo guy. some think i'm juz weird. few actually think i'm a nice guy. yea. i really need to know how to make friends. am watching my friends around me play the game of love. a game i once played. a game that i lost. both players lost that game. if the other player reads this, i am sorry.

am weighing my choices on which path to take now. either the new poly course at singapore poly, or the deathly course at SAJC. am leaning back to the poly side again. either way, i end up at the same destination. am calculating my next move.

sigh....its a hectic life now. well, hope it passes fast. i now look at my friends. do they appreciate what they have right in front of them, does nick know how lucky he is to have michelle? does gabriel know how much i'd like to be in his shoes? even for a moment? i may have given up on chasing tanya, bt i still think about what could have been. bt hey, the girl like him very much, and he likes her too. hope he doesnt let her slip away, cuz you dont know watcha got till its gone.
those two looked really nice together. they all do. hope i may find mine one day too.

---redd

strange dream

2007-08-08T18:18:00.000+08:00

....i had the most scary/cool dream earlier on...it was also rather disturbing.
apparently, me, nick, gabriel, michelle, tanya and several other people, all went to this super big shoppping center. we were being chased by a gang and we had all fled inside. for some strange reason, the gangsters could not go into the shopping centre and our parents were all overseas.
so, we ended up having to camp in the 24-hour mall.

then, michelle recieves a message that her home had been destroyed by a fire and that her....sister...had died. so she gets super upset and starts to cry. nick does his best to comfort her and she calms down after awhile. then, she gets up, saying that she needed some fresh air, so she goes to this huge rooftop garden for a walk. alone. the rest of us give her some space and did not go with her. however, after a few hours, michelle still doesnt get worried and nick begins to get agitated. to soothe their friend, tanya and gabriel both volunteer to go and find her. as time drags on, one of nick's PA juniors, yee rong, suddenly runs into the mall, shouting something about a fella named Yi Wen. he dissapears soon after.

its already late evening and neither gabriel nor tanya have returned. now, we are getting worried as they are not picking up their phonesl. this time, i take nick and we begin to try and comb the paths in the garden. there are several people there, bt absolutely no sign of any of our friends. we go back to the others where Deon is handing out food to the others. its late now, and some of the others had already fallen asleep. deon then says something about double checking, so this time, we get devanath, greg and aaron to come help us.

so we headed up to the garden/forest and bigin to search. then, suddenly, as we all were going to meet at the entrance of the garden, we hear a person groaning. we look around and find a leg sticking out of the bushes. it turns out to be a badly beaten gabriel who had suffered multiple brusies and cuts. he begins to mumble about some Yi Wen and tanya and michelle. then, he passes out. we bring him back to our "campsite" and patchup his wounds.

now nick is going into a panic attack. he becomes super upset and begins to quarrel with devanath. thats when he recieves a call. he bacomes super mortified and rushes down the steps, towards the basement. we chase him to one of the various childrens playgrounds, looking up at a web climber. we look at it and see tanya tied up among the ropes with her clothes torn and body full of bruises. we can see her sobbing and trying to cover up herself, not wanting to look at us.

Anishah, michelle's friend, tries to go up and talk to tanya, bt does not get anywhere. we wait until tanya falls asleep before bringing her back to the "camp" to help her with her wounds.
then, we put her in the same "tent" as gabriel. Anishah stays in the tent to watch the two of them.

after awhile, gabriel wakes up screaming something about michelle being with this Yi Wen fella. only after awhile does he calm down to check on tanya, who is still unconcious. Next thing we know, we hear this bunch of guys calling to us from downstairs. when nick and i go to take a look, there is this dude holding michelle. she is unconcious and tied up. He then calls out to nick, saying that if he wants michelle back, nick would surrender himself to the gang.

so, the scene fast forwards to some fight that has broken outbetween the two groups. gangsters vs our motley crew. go figure. all the time, nick is fighting with the Yi wen dude. sure, he's not faring too good. bt at least he's holding them off. then out of nowhere, gabriel comes charging in with some fire extinguisher and starts ramming people all over the place. still not enough. so, nick is still fighting with Yi wen. then, just as yi wen looks like he's goin to finish nick off, Tanya and michelle, who was freed by the former, begin to shoot people with bow and arrows.

gabriel mumbles something like, "Thou shalt not piss Tanya off, lest she smite ye with bow and arrow."
then the scene flashes to some police gathering up the gangsters, and nick and michelle kissing. if i rememeber correctly, gabriel and tanya were also hugging.

ok....so.....anyone enjoyed my curious little dream? haha. well, i cant imagine nick actually kissing someone, so the picture i got may have been a little inaccurate, bt the part about gabriel and tanya hugging was easy to imagine.

sadly i stood on the sidelines and watched. i'm kinda lonely, come to think about it....lol.

---redd

the dark and the light

2007-08-07T21:55:00.000+08:00

i have seen things
not meant to be seen.
seeds of mistrust,
float in the wind.

whispers of decite
float in between.
i heard things,
from deep within.

secrets.
lies.
confessions.
truths.
all these things
are of what use?
love is a dangerous
word to use.

jealousy seeps,
from everywhere now.
treachery rises from
the ground.

friendships tested,
friendships strained,
friendships broken,
bring nothing but pain.

an intricate web,
of lies and decite,
be careful of
your biting wit.

as the poem goes, i guess a cloud of mistrust and anger has decended on several intertwined relationships. jealousy and pettiness is putting friendships at risk, and one talented little life, hangs in the balance. people going down dark paths and i cant do anything to help it. i feel a little useless. i hope that all this can be resolved soon.

---redd

hello and goodbye

2007-08-02T18:26:00.000+08:00

well, i think another chapter has closed in my life. after thinking it through, i figured it would not be wise to continue chasing Tanya. yesterday, i kinda gave my blessing to gabriel and tanya. reason? you see, we're all friends, and the two of them actually do like each other. to the point where i feel that if i continue to try and chase tanya, i could ruin what could be a perfectly good relationship. further more, i would not want to create any tension between friends just because we're after the same girl. She likes him, not me. I dont want to hurt anybody becuz of my actions, so i conceeded to gabriel.

i remember wrestling with myself, trying to decide if i should give up or not. bt then i realized that i am not the one tanya likes. i was sad when i finally told gabriel that i was giving up, bt strangly happy at the same time. Tanya was going to be able to be with a guy that she liked. so i figured that if she was happy, i'd be willing to let her go. gabriel had better take care of her....

nick said that i was a fool to give up. bt i feel that i did the right thing. Gabriel and tanya would make a nice couple. i'm sure the girl for me is....somewhere out there. haha.

---redd

2007-07-31T21:44:00.000+08:00

i feel sad and broken
i dont know what to say.
my heart is torn pieces,
my mind's in disarray.

the girl i like
likes someone else
what more's there
left to say?
i promised not to get jealous,
bt i cant help feeling this way.

i feel kinda broken now. like wat the poem says. i'm torn between my feelings for Tanya. you see, she likes another friend, gabriel...and in some ways, i juz cant bear to see that. it makes me feel weak. makes me feel useless. makes me feel unwanted. i know that tanya said that i should go all out to change her mind...bt i juz dont know how. She said she'd wait till my O's were over, bt still, its hard for me. i've had another nightmare. maybe i'll talk abt it some other time.

i'm still thinking of ways to try and get her to like me.....

---redd.

reinvigorated.

2007-07-29T23:12:00.000+08:00

ok...somehow, i feel like a new person again. i would like to write a nice long essay, bt i haf no time. i guess, after speaking to Tanya about the whole situation, i guess, i feel kinda better. It gave me hope. hope to try. hope to carry on. Common tests start tomm, gd luck to all. i'm almost sure that i'll pass my math this time. peace out ...

---redd

broken, in a way.

2007-07-29T00:20:00.000+08:00

i know i promised tanya that i wouldnt be sad, or jealous or angry. Yea, i aint angry with her, neither am i jealous. bt somehow, i feel kinda broken. not broken cuz she rejected me, bt broken because i feel helpless. helpless becuz sometimes, i wonder to myself if i could have done anything to change her mind. bt in reality, i know i cant. afterall, you cant force somebody to like/love you. its gotta work both ways. She's gotta live a life too. so what the heck.

I should be happy for her, its good to see that she has the heart to stand up for what she wants. perhaps, her not reciprocating my feelings has an up side. afterall, i cant afford to get distracted from my work. Not now. the kid has a long way to go. we're prob better of as friends anyway. i hope what i'm feeling is juz post-rejection emotions. she wouldnt want me to be like this now, would she. i dont think so. Nick says that i still have a chance. As far as i know, if the girl is unwilling to get into the relationship, i shouldnt force it. its not my way. perhaps now, i can start putting back the pieces of my shattered honour. maybe i can become the boy i used to be.

i know i'll still think about her. i know i'll still think about my past, my present, my future. bt i know that life must go on. my secondary school life is about to end. her secondary school life is about to begin. i wish her well in everything she does. she has the makings, of someone great.

---redd

closure.....in a way...

2007-07-28T00:44:00.001+08:00

well....i guess the latest drama has come to a close. Tanya rejected me, although she did it in a very kind way. i guess i appreciate her guesture and her words, it was sweet of her to put it so nicely. at least we still talk. however, what she told me was strangely remeniscent of what one of my previous crushes told me. hmm...do all girls have like a common database of rejection lines?lol!

aside from that, this rejection, although it did not really upset me, did make me think of something. back when i was in turmoil with my ex, one of the things she told me now rings in my head. "If you carry on like this, no other girl will ever fall for you."....somewhere along those lines anyway. it was when i adopted a different persona to drive her away. perhaps it was the wrong approach to do it. bt no point crying over spit milk. if she reads this, maybe she'll leap for joy, maybe she'll just laugh....heck.

well, maybe i'll get another shot in the future, maybe not. Bt life moves on. I guess, when you fall, u pick yourself up, and get'cha ass moving on once again. so here ends another episode of my life, and another would open soon.

---redd.

Hurt, and Nightmares.

2007-07-25T20:58:00.000+08:00

ya know, it kinda sucks when everyone is having fun, while you are left to watch. i've always prided myself as a sentinel. watching, waiting. bt i am human. i seem to be able to help everyone by myself. i quote my friend, "You are like Hitch....just...not black." ignore the somewhat racist remark, bt it kinda feels like it. and its sucks the most to know, that one of the people i helped my friend get together with, thinks you are a weirdo. normally i wouldnt care less what people thought of me, bt, becuz of the effort i make to help the couple, the comment really hurt...

i didnt sleep well last night. too haunted by a terrible nightmare. and all throughout the day, i couldnt forget it. i couldnt get it outta my mind. everytime i closed my eyes, i see her lying there. everytime my mind wanders, i hear their screams. i see their deaths over and over again. and i'm afraid. afraid that it would happen. you see, i dreamt that me, arron, deon, nick and gabriel, were hangin out with nick's gf, michelle and her entourage that she normally hangs with. then, suddenly, my bitch of an ex, came and tried to create trouble. then, we managed to chase her off, bt she was doubly pissed. so we juz sat at mac's talking and slowly, people left. then, michelle said that her father wanted to pick her up from school, so nick offered to walk with her. then the left. after awhile, Tanya said she had to leave too. (heres when the horror starts.) we are like sitting facing the road where Tanya was attempting to cross. then, around the corner, came this car hurtling down the road. Tanya, being the sensible girl i hope she is, stopped to let the car pass. then out of nowhere, my ex runs up to know where and rams tanya into the cars path. then, things go into slow motion and i hear her scream. i dont know from fright, suprise or pain. next thing i see is her body go airborne. i make an effort to try to wake up, bt i cant. the image keeps playing in my mind. her scream echoes in my ears. then, the scene suddenly change to where nick and michelle are walking. then suddenly a van drive up beside them, and out pour a bunch of guys who proceed to beat nick up. nick tries to fight...bt he's overwhelmed. then, they grab both of them and toss them into the van.the screams continue as the van drives off. the image of tany being pushed into the car's path once again starts to play. everything starts to play. i'm bombarded with all the screams. then, it all ends, with my vision setting sights on tanya's limp body. then i jerk awake.

my brother tells me that i was screaming last night. calling for help. writhing. tossing. turning. i know, it may sound over dramatic, but i scared me. and it still haunts me. even now, as i'm typing this entry.

to tanya, nick and michelle, i'm sorry if you are offended by what has been posted. if you have been scared by what i have said about you, i'm sorry. my mind sometimes twists images that i see in real life just to torture me.
yes, i've had a bad day, i hope tomm brings something better.

---redd.

jelousy.

2007-07-23T20:33:00.000+08:00

ya kbnow, it kinda sucks to see two of my buds?....why? they are after all my buds. well, heres the deal. one of them, nick, is hooked up with this real cool babe, she's got looks , brains, manners, everything! and the thing is, i helped get them together. i helped him woo her, charm her, everything. i even protect them from interferers. so what? some of u might say. well, look at it this way, my friend, doesnt have half the qualities i do. no offense to him, bt i'm a much better guy. why the hell cant i get a girl? my first and only girlfriend turned out to be total bitch, who was trtying to bring me down with her. she was already destroying her life. the thing i'm pissed about is that my friend, nick, doesnt seem to fully appreciate the relationship he has with her. everytime we hang out, i get vibes that he doesnt appreciate the girl for what she's worth. i mean, her marks are slipping, but he doesnt seem to care. she seens to be sliding down the path my ex took but he's too clueless to notice it. he's so thick skinned that he completely ignores her on occasion. he knows that i'm a threat. he can sense that because i put them together, i can easily crumble their relationship in day, or even hours. bt i wont i cant bring myself to hurt either of them. bros dont destroy their bros.

then comes the second bud that i got. he's a nice guy. decent dude. bt not what you call a chick magnet. yet, this really nice girl seems to be head over heels for him. i'm crushing on this girl ya see, yet, somethings dun happen. this brings to the questuion: What do they have that makes'em better people than me/ what do they have, that girls see i dont?!

maybe i'm juz having a jelousy attack. m,aybe i'm juz bitchin, bt sometimes, it juz hurts to see everyone being able to proudly say that they gotta good girl with em, and i dont.

---redd

2007-07-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

oook. well, due to my absolute neglect of my blog, i'm prob gonna turn it into one of my sites for fiction and stuff.....so like. have fun reading. i've figured that i should start studying badly. i'm dissapointed that i had to drop out of the drama performance, but its for my own good. unfortunately, without me, the discipline is like shit, so....i'm gonna blast the cast and crew on monday. well...thats all for now.

---redd

2006-11-28T14:26:00.000+08:00

blah blah blah...excuse me for my randomness.

2006-11-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

oh well....sigh...tomm is my first extra exam....physics! sianz....

2006-11-12T15:38:00.000+08:00

Ah well....exams are pretty much over for me....juz got two more papers to take....after that...its slacking time