Tears will be shed,
Hearts will be broken,
Dreams will be crushed,
But life will move on.

Friendships are forged,
Enemies will be made,
Romance will be found,
But life moves on.

Facades will crack,
Colours will show.
Tears drip off my face,
Like blizzard snow.

Hard as a diamond,
Black as coal...
My heart is bleeding
Liquid gold.

But life...
Must move on.

T minus 14 days.....it feels like I've lost another friend.

Another late post.

I'm feeling weird today. I was tired...yet at the same time happy. I was irritated and angry. Now...I'm hungry...lol.

13 days to my date with destiny...What the hell am i supposed to do?

It will be the first time I'm having my birthday during a school week. And...I honestly dun plan on doing much. Maybe I'll go have a proper work out or something. But I'm not really planning any party. I've become numb to those kind of activities now. Heart wrenching to see...Unwilling to participate. All I want...is perhaps a simple happy birthday. A card will suffice. Gifts are unnecessary. Especially material ones.

I feel...so so cold. It's unhealthy. But the cold gap in my heart is returning. I don't like that feeling. Boiling rage grips at my cranium. I want to scream. Hit somebody...throw that guy with all my might. I don't know. I'm lost. I've got no idea what is happening to me.

But that is life ain't it?

T minus 13 days....I'm a confused...ticked off, individual.

Midnight post.

I'm re-gathering my thoughts. So many things. So many. Some sad. Some angry. Some happy. Some crazy. There is so much going on that sometimes I really do wish I had more time. Wish I could have gone back in time to right certain things that I feel would have seriously led me down a better road.

I wish I could have done so many things. Wish I could have stopped my parents from falling apart. Wish I could have told Tracy how much I loved her. Wish I could have been a better friend. Wished I could be a better person.

I've been told that I'm a great guy...fantastic person.
I've been told that I'm a horrible person...a monster.
I've been told that I'm more intelligent than I let on.
I've been told that I'm nothing more than an egomaniac.
Out of everything.
I know I've been told a whole lot of lies.

I've got plenty of friends. Few actually know me for who I am. Even fewer appreciate me for it. Sometimes...it seems so useless.

Opening up to people...befriending them, helping them, loving them...leads to nothing more than a broken heart.

T minus 20 days. My heart has solidified into a rock.

Screwed up day.

Tell my dad first thing in the morning, that after I finish teaching the kids TKD, we will go to this aquarium in Clementi. He says ok. Then when I finally finish...I call him...he says o, we're bringing your brother. I say ok. When I get on the car...he says, oh...by the way, we are gonna drop by City Square Mall for lunch and to check out how the Piket and Rail store is doing. I say ok. We arrive...then go for lunch...and the motherfucker dares to run off halfway to attend to the store, claiming that they are under-staffed. So he comes back...gobbles his lunch and runs back to the store, leaving my brother and I, saying that my bro should go buy his stuff first. Fine. So we go buy my bro's stuff. We go back to the store. He's hard at "work" doing his sales pitch to a bunch of overweight morons. After he's done, he tells us saying that he wants to stay and continue the "work" there. Now I'm fucking pissed off. He drops us home anyway...but not before we head to the doctors to check out my knees.

Doctor says that we got some issues with the knee. Sets me up for an MRI somewhere within the next two weeks. Bad shit on the horizon. Doc says that if we find any sort of damage, especially to the ACL or MCL, we have to open me up...and after that...it could be a lifelong issue. The hell...I'm gonna need to be do aqua-aerobics to strenghten my limbs for a long ass time after that. And you know whats the best part?! No Judo, no BJJ and no TKD for the next year at very least.

T minus 21 days. I am an ANGRY man today.

Puzzled and Disheartened

I just saw something rather saddenning on facebook. This post is targeted at the clique from W15Q Sem 1 from RP. Guys, if you read this, don't take it personally..I'm just speaking my mind.

Guys. What's happened to us. We used to be a team. We used to be tight. We swore never to drift apart. But over the span of one holiday, We stopped talking...we stopped hanging out. And now, I barely hear from you guys anymore. What happened guys?

I mean, its not like the clique isn't getting together anymore. Over the hols, I saw plenty of photos of your get togethers. But out of such a long holiday, I was just invited out once, and it wasn't like a unanimous decision to invite me either. You were all so damned shocked to see me there. Did I do something to piss you guys off? Have I not always said that you could approach me if you had a problem with what I did? Haven't I always been honest with you guys about what I feel? Did I do anything wrong?

If not, then why is it that when I try to hang around with you guys...I get the feeling that I'm not wanted around anymore?

And this term...Yes, I hang out with Celeste alot. Hell, I hang out with her almost everyday. Ever wondered why? I've always tried to be there for you guys. Helped with problems, helped with what study related things I could...done nothing but try to be as good a friend as possible. We were all cool. We finished the class bbq and ended on a happy note. And suddenly...I'm not wanted anymore?

I actually feel very betrayed guys. I hung with you guys for an entire semester..and yet now I feel so unappreciated. Guys, what's going on. Am I still part of the clique? Or just another annoying guy that none of you want around?

I'm not angry. I'm just confused..and now...I'm just hoping some of you will give me an answer.

T minus 22 days and counting.

Countdown to a Date with Destiny.

Today is the 7'th of November 2009.
23 days from now, I'll turn 18. It's a quasi magical number for youths in Singapore. We technically become legal for almost everything...including jail. O.o

Anyway, people have been asking me...its gonna be my 18'th...what do I want for a present? Truth is...I dont know.

But maybe...here is a hypothetical lost, of what I would like for my 18'th birthday.

1) I wish to be able to get the guts to tell Tracy my feelings.(No matter how unfair it is)

2) I wish for my parents to just stop. Wipe the slate clean and start over. Thier childishness is killing me and it's not helping my worsening temper.

3) I wish that my legs would get better. My knees are not good and may be suffering from possible ACL damage.

4) I wish that I could get back to training. I want my BLACK BELT!!!

5) I want to find someone...who will just tell me what to do. Cuz sometimes, I feel so lost.

6) I wish that I could hug particular people and tell em I love em and how much I appreciate them.

So yea. 23 Days from my 18'th B'day, I have come up with the first batch of the hypothetical want-list.

T minus 23 days and counting.

Fire in my Heart...Rocks in my Fists....Storm in my Brain

I am...confused. I have no idea whats going on with me. Million and one thoughts rushing through my brain......confusion, anger, affection.....gah......GOD DAMN!!!! STOP IT!!!!

I feel like killing somebody rite now...am pissed off...
I can't train properly....can't do shit. Some guy asked me if I wanted to spar. I'm so tempted to say yes. Just take him to the ground and run away with one of his limbs.....gah......FUCK!!! I apologize in advance to the Judo team. If I try to kill anybody at training on wednesday, someone please choke me out....I want to stop thinking.

My mind is a mess. The thought processes are filled with a backflush of garbage, on epic proportions. Tracy...Sharon...Abel...my family...school...exams...judo....tkd...class...friends....its all swarming my mind....I'm going utterly mad.

Stormy Night

Just a random poem I came up with while sitting at the bus interchange. It was fucking raining like no tomorrow. Crazy stuff.

She sits in darkness,
This Stormy Night.
Highlighted only through
Flashes of light.

Gale force winds
Lash her hair,
Caresses her cheeks,
Skin smooth
Tight.

Her eyes behold the storm,
Water dripping on her frame.
Her ears,
Hear not Thunder.
Instead,
Whispers...
Poor poor thing.